If He Didn’t Ask You A Single Question On Your First Date, He’s Not The One, Sis

January 11, 2018  |  

You tell him things you’re ashamed of

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The other day, I stumbled upon this hilarious thread from a woman offering advice to men attempting to get a call back from women after they’ve taken them out on a date. It was incredibly sound advice. There’s a whole entire thread that I strongly suggest you read in its entirety. But for the purposes of this particular article, I’d like to direct your attention to no. 8.

The thread received hundred of retweets and thousands of likes. Sadly, more often than not, most of our dates don’t go like this. There’s a lot of weeding through and wedding out when it comes to dating. But that’s a larger conversation. So about point 8. Staying off your phone should be a no-brainer, a given. But this part about asking questions. There are quite a few men who missed this message.

I have a tale of going out with a man, against my better judgment. And throughout the entire lunch (Thank God, it wasn’t dinner.), not only did he complain about everything and talk about random people as they passed by, it never occurred to him to ask me a question. So not only did I have to listen to him complain, it was virtually impossible for me to shift the conversation with my contributions.

My sister talked about going out with a man who was physically stunning. But basically spent their date running down his resume. Again, he couldn’t be bothered to ask her anything about herself. It was as if he assumed her accomplishments couldn’t compete with his own, so he didn’t inquire.

Then, last night I stumbled across this Instagram post from author of The Perfect Find, Tia Williams.

I just went on this date. JUST. This is actual footage of me and a terrible gentleman last month. He's a medical professional, but fancies himself a novelist (first of all…). He asks me no questions about my life/work, but delivers a lengthy monologue about the novel he's working on…the various levels of subtext, the themes, the symbolism (😴). I ate all our appetizers during this speech. Finally, I ask him how many pages he's written. "Forty," he says. I ask him when he started. "2002," he says. I burst out laughing, and he got offended, protesting that, as a writer myself, I should be more supportive of his process. My response? "I've published five books since 2002. You'd think, as a novice, you'd be interested in finding out how I did it, instead of lecturing me about metaphor when you really meant simile, and repeatedly mispronouncing Flaubert's name." #whyimsingle

A post shared by Tia Williams (@shakeyourbeauty) on

The comic I’ve seen floating around on the internet. Mansplaining is sad and it’s real. But the story to accompany it, though. The story about a man so enamored and fascinated with himself that his date didn’t really need to be there for him to continue to make his presentation. A man so sure of himself that he didn’t take the opportunity to pick the brain of an experienced and published author of several books, when he’d been writing one since 2002…and only has forty pages.

Now, sir…

I question a lot of the poor behavior I perpetrate myself and witness in others and this post really had me thinking about why men would behave like this on dates, when the goal is to put your best foot forward and make somebody like you. And I figure there are several reasons. One, far too many men only define and find value in themselves based on their work/career accomplishments, their ability to make money. So that’s what they present on their dates. And in doing so, they don’t take the time to develop other crucial elements of their personality, like decency, respect of others and the ability to engage in a healthy conversation, where both parties LISTEN and contribute.

There are some men who are of the mindset that not only will they be the head of the household when they marry, but they’ll be the head of the relationship from the moment you meet one another. And sadly too many men define “the head” as dominant in every arena. They assume they’re supposed to dominate every conversation, they believe they’re supposed to possess more knowledge and skill than you in all areas except for domestic duties. They assume that you’re never supposed to question their knowledge or their leadership. Meanwhile, this is a person who has not the faintest clue about how to act and behave in your best interests because he never asked what they might be.

At the end of the day, it’s really about objectification. Ladies, you’re not there on that date so he can get to learn more about you as a human being. It’s about your physical beauty and sitting there providing an enthusiastic, listening ear for his ego.

Fellas, women are quite interesting. And not just to each other. Some of us have led full and rich lives before you came around; and contrary to ignorant belief, there’s a good chance that you might be able to learn a thing or two from us as well.

Veronica Wells is the culture editor at MadameNoire.com. She is also the author of “Bettah Days” and the creator of the website NoSugarNoCreamMag. You can follow her on Facebook and on Instagram and Twitter @VDubShrug.

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