The 7 Types of Breakups

December 14, 2011  |  
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On many dating sites, one of the pre-written questions asks something along the lines of “how did your last relationship end?” and the answers vary from “as peaceful as could be” to “peaceful, but with each of us feeling very hurt” to “full of drama and angry emails.” Ever wonder what was behind those answers? Probably one of these:

The bullShyte breakup:
Very insecure people have these. This is the breakup between a couple that breaks up every week, and you kind of want to say “just do it already!” But, they are each only breaking up to prove a point, and to provoke the other one to come crawling back on his/her hands and knees. It’s a power game. In my opinion, it is an abuse of the concept of a breakup.

The external circumstances breakup:
One of you gets accepted to the graduate program of your dreams…on the other side of the world. Or, one of you has a parent who gets very sick and you need to move back home with them to take care of them. Something beyond your control separates the two of you. This is usually a peaceful breakup, but you do make it worse by staying in touch with the person, sending cute texts, calling every night, and not fully—consciously—accepting the idea that you can’t be together anymore.

The betrayal:
Somebody cheats, or tells a big lie that feels as bad as infidelity. This either ends dramatically, with the cheated one yelling, maybe keying the cheater’s car, hunting down the “mistress”… Or, it ends peacefully, and sadly, with the cheated on saying barely anything, and quietly bowing out of the relationship. This is usually very effective in making the cheater feel horrible and try to get the cheated on back.

The “I’m not getting what I need”:
Maybe you’re dating a guy who is studying for the MCAT’s, or is a lawyer who works around the clock, or honestly doesn’t have a clue as to how to conduct a relationship and only calls you at around midnight to hang out when it occurs to him that “oh, it would be nice if my girlfriend were here.” You don’t feel prioritized. You feel like you’re in a one-sided relationship. You tell him, and you end it. Some guys might make a bunch of promises to change if you’ll take them back. But, honestly, those changes don’t happen over night. He might be a dream boyfriend for a week before the efforts exhaust him and he’s back to his old ways.

The paranoia breakup I:
One partner is constantly jealous, constantly suspicious, constantly accusing the other of not loving them, or not wanting to spend time with them, or not thinking that they fit in with their friends or family. The one being accused of this can’t take it anymore. Even though they love the paranoid partner and it makes them sad that the paranoid partner can’t see that, it isn’t their job to reassure them every single second that the relationship is fine.

The paranoia breakup II:
The paranoid partner is actually aware of their extreme paranoia, and is trying very hard to keep it together and not say anything when they feel suspicious or jealous. But, they can’t take it anymore. They can’t live with the paranoia, and the only way out of it is to get out of the relationship. So they leave.

The “different places” breakup:
Maybe one of you is looking to get married soon, or at the very least is over your partying/going out phase and is ready to get really couply—move in together, stay in together, buy dogs together… Meanwhile, the other one just wants to keep “seeing where things go.” Normally, the latter feels pressured and leaves, or the former gets impatient and leaves.

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