Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Teenage Angst & Being Friendzoned

November 2, 2011  |  

Dear Smart Brotha,

I am 18, a virgin, African-American, and ever since the fourth grade have never had a relationship with a guy. (Boyfriend that is) Over the years I’ve had to revamp my style as I was perfectly content with the “bummified” look that I found not to be attractive but rather comfortable. After years of my mother telling me that I need to carry myself in a more approachable way, I’ve noticed that I’ve found a beauty in myself that I never thought I possessed. Ever since I was little, the constant ridiculing from my sister (Light-Skin beauty) and brother (same complexion as I am) has impacted my self-esteem greatly.

So when I began fixing myself up and feeling good about myself, it wasn’t that I was looking to be a “Gem that all guys were dying to have,” but I’ve noticed that the more “out there” type girls, who in my opinion, aren’t attractive and dress provocatively get guys who seem to be in love with them and not necessarily after the “Kitty Kat.” My best-friend is exactly like this but she seems to get all the sweethearts. Trust me, I am not a conceited girl at all, I am far from it but sometimes I always ask myself what is it that they see in them and not me? Now I know I may seem like the girl who is judgmental but the girls who I’m referring to are the most snobbish, conceited, “I can get any man I want” type girls. It makes me a little upset when their cockiness seems to prevail and they get all the cute guys who from the outside looking in fall head over heels for them. But with me, it’s very different. Most guys just stare at me. It’s like they want to talk to me but they turn away. But if it’s another girl in sight, they’ll go up to her and start “macking” on them like it’s no tomorrow. I’ve received attention from guys who do approach me, but in a “I want to get in your draws” type way, and well sometimes I feel that’s the only type that attracted to me. As a result, I’ve remained single after my transformation, and feel like if that if those are the types of guys that are attracted to me, then maybe I’m better off with me, myself, and God. I love me and the person I’ve become but geez when a guy stares it makes me feel like they’re looking at me like I’m stupid. Idk. What’s the 411 with me, my brotha? Am I just insecure?

Angsty and Insecure

Dear Angsty and Insecure,

If I could write a letter to a young Damon — something that somehow would be able to go back in time and advise the young me — I’d make sure include the following things:

1. Eat your vegetables

2. Never borrow starch from a Detroit stripper

(and, most importantly…)

3. ***Regarding every single thing that happens to you before your 22nd birthday***

Remember that it’s not that serious.

Anyway, I’m mentioning this because while I know how condescending and patronizing it can feel as a younger person when you’re told by an elder that you’re too young to worry so much about certain things, you’re too young to worry so much about certain things.

I know that you want to be one of those “sought after” girls that every guy sweats, but trust me when I say that the grass isn’t always greener. Knowing how most 17 to 20 year old boys think and act (and by “most” I mean “all”), you are much, much, much better off right now with you, yourself, and God. You don’t need no 19 year old knuckleheads expecting to get some from you just because they took you to the food court at the mall.

I’m very glad that your self-esteem and general outlook has improved, and it also seems like you have a good head on your shoulders. Because of that, I’m going to need you to trust me when I say that if your 30 year old self could somehow write a letter to you right now, she’d probably tell you to continue to work on yourself and your grades and your relationship with your family and God, keep that chastity belt deadbolted, and relax. You have a decade’s worth of dealings with men coming. Some will be good. Some will be bad. Most will be “eh.” All will occasionally make you wish you could go back to a time when things were a bit simpler, when all you had to do was go to class, brush your teeth, and be cute.


Damon Young (aka The Champ)

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