Wedding Vows That Are Actually Useful

October 4, 2017  |  
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Have you ever noticed that wedding vows can be a bit…vague? Promising to cherish someone is all fine and nice but what actually goes into cherishing somebody? You can’t just say, “I cherish you!” and your job is done. If you tell someone you cherish him, but you blow your savings on a designer dress instead of the romantic trip you planned to take together, you didn’t really cherish him, after all. Promising to be there in sickness and in health is also a very nice sentiment, but just how there will you be? Will you physically hold your partner up on the toilet while he goes to the bathroom because he is too weak to hold himself up? That’s what it means to be there. When I get married, I’m going to require some more specifics in my partner’s vows. Here are wedding vows that are actually useful.


I’ll be in a good mood on vacation

I will recognize that we both took up extra hours at work to put aside the money to afford this trip. I will recognize that we both really need a week of peace, tranquility, and fun, to recharge for the next six months. And as such, I will recognize that I need to get over whatever stupid fight I got in with a friend before this trip, and not drag my baggage and the bad mood that comes with it on this trip.





I’ll protect you from boring events

I won’t drag you along to events I have to go to—that I know will be boring—just because I can. I’ll spare you from boring events whenever possible. I don’t think that you have to suffer just because I do. I’ll take pleasure in the idea that at least you, my love, get to have fun while I’m stuck at my aunt’s lecture on 17th-century sculptures.





I’ll protect you from irritating people

I may have irritating people in my life but that doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life. If I have a cousin who talks about herself for hours on end, or a half-sibling that always asks to borrow money, I’ll protect you from these people. I’ll take it upon myself to limit your interaction with the irritating people in my life.






We’ll have sex once a week (at least)

No matter how tired, busy, cranky, or bloated I am, I’ll make sure we have sex once a week. I’ll be aware of how long it’s been since we’ve had sex. I understand that, as a couple, if you don’t make the effort to have sex regularly, your sex life can just float away. I’ll go out of my way to make sure this doesn’t happen.





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I’ll replace the toilet paper roll

I’ll replace the toilet paper roll. I’ll refill the hand soap. I’ll put a new roll of paper towels on the paper towel rack. I’ll get new laundry detergent when I finish it. I’ll replace things that regularly need replacing, so you aren’t left, desperately needing to do laundry, and asking, “What the f*&k!?”

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I’ll keep meltdowns to a minimum

I recognize that my mental health and emotional fortitude affects yours. As such, I’ll try to keep things in perspective. I’ll do what I can—meditate, do yoga, have some wine—to prevent meltdowns. I understand that when I say, “Everything is screwed! The world is terrible!” it’s very hard for you to keep a positive attitude. I’ll work to contribute to the overall positive attitude in our household.


I’ll maintain my friendships

I’ll keep up girls’ night, girls’ trips, visits to my college friends and all other aspects of my social life. I will not make it so that you are my one and only friend because I understand that puts too much pressure on you, and makes me a boring person.







I’ll talk to you when you get home

I will turn the TV off when you get home. I will close my laptop. I will make sure we catch up every night, even if it’s just for 15 minutes. I understand that if we don’t make the effort to focus on each other, we’ll quickly become just roommates rather than lovers. So I’ll pause Netflix (no matter how exciting the moment is in the movie) when you get home.




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I won’t change religion

This is a pretty important one. I won’t change religion. If we have built this relationship, and plan on raising our children, based on the values and principles of a certain religion, I plan on staying devoted to that religion. I understand that our religion is a part of the stitching of this relationship and that if my faith waivers, I should talk to you about helping me get back on track, rather than drifting.




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I won’t join a cult

This includes things like Herbalife or P90X. I just won’t join some group that winds up dominating all of our conversations and all of my free time. In this stable state of mind, I recognize how annoying people are who do that.







Young woman with stomach issues in toilet hemorrhoid pain in the butt.

I’ll close the door during bathroom business

Even if I really want to keep an eye on the television while I go to the bathroom, or want to keep talking to you while I do my business, I will shut the door when I go number two. It’s only fair.

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I’ll tell you when you’re being dumb

I will tell you when you’re being narrow-minded, selfish, dumb, oblivious, irrational, unreasonable or immature. I won’t indulge behavior on your part that isn’t conducive to your growth as a person. I also won’t judge you for these occasional lapses in character, but consider it an honor to help you through them.





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I won’t let other people influence our relationship

I will always follow my gut when it comes to our relationship. If I genuinely do not care that we eat at taco trucks on date night, I won’t let my friends’ words of “He should take you somewhere fancier…” sneak into my subconscious.






I won’t get jealous over silly things

I understand that I either trust you 100 percent or not at all—there is no grey area on this matter. So I won’t get jealous over small, silly things, like a female coworker who talks to you a lot. Or some woman on Facebook who presses “Like” on a lot of your statuses.

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I’ll throw out old stuff in the fridge

I won’t let Tupperware full of food sit in the fridge forever, developing mold. I’ll throw out that juice that I’m clearly not drinking—even though I like the idea of drinking it one day—because it’s taking up an entire shelf in the fridge door. I’ll be reasonable about space in the fridge, closets, pantries and other storage areas.

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