The opening scene of the season two premiere of Issa Rae’s HBO series Insecure is the story of my life. In case you missed it, the scene showed a montage of dates gone wrong between Issa and the fish in the sea. Issa was trying to bounce back after her breakup with Lawrence, but clearly had little hope that these dates would lead to a strong love connection. The repetitive questions, the awkwardness and hoping that when you meet the man behind the swipe you find a decent soul and great chemistry, the scene resonated with me all too well. The search for “the one” has become more exhausting than exhilarating. The men I found myself falling for continued to leave me scarred and hopeless. Issa attempted to heal by linking up with another guy. I’ve decided to take another approach and stop dating altogether. While I am ending my quest for love, I am focusing more on making myself happy through other things besides a relationship.
I kept losing at the dating game and I found myself becoming angry. Angry at being ghosted, disregarded, and the immature behavior of the men I encountered. They were either “not ready for a relationship” or “wanted to see where things go,”or using me. Not wanting a relationship is one thing, but why do things that you would later have to apologize for? It doesn’t take a college degree to know making plans with me and not showing up would hurt me. All this happened while I watched friends became engaged, married and start families. My hope was running thin. So instead of me continuing to take chances, I started focusing more on myself.
Now that I’m trying to fulfill myself in different ways, I’ve considered doing things I thought I would never do before and got into things that I always thought about but never tired. One of those things is traveling solo. I’ve been on a girls trip but never on a romantic getaway. Every time I met a new guy, I would hope we could travel together once we were serious but that never happened. I was basically waiting on a man so I could see the world. Not anymore. My extroverted soul cringes at the idea of going anywhere alone, but not having a plus-one doesn’t equate a boring time.
I’m also reading more. It keeps my mind busy so my thoughts won’t get the best of me. At times I find myself reminiscing about the bright moments in my past failed relationships and wanting to hit one of them with the “Hey big head” text, but that would make me feel like a fool in the end. I’m better off burying my nose in my Angela Davis book.
I’m also channeling more energy into tailoring my two careers and possibly starting my own business. “If you do what you love you will never work a day in your life” is the mantra I want to live by.
Before I can love someone else, I need to love my life first. Traveling more, excelling in my career and gaining new knowledge will give me more satisfaction than a man can. I’m learning how to make myself happy, because I cannot and will not depend on a man for that.
