Things Getting A Woman’s Number Doesn’t Entitle You To

April 5, 2017  |  

Happy black couple travelling by bus in Chicago. A man and a woman sitting in the bus and looking at the smartphone. They are laughing and enjoying time together. Lifestyle and happiness concepts.

I recently had the unfortunate experience of being on the receiving end of some extreme fragile male ego backlash after I essentially ghosted a guy in my neighborhood and he called me immature and fat. I don’t really care to rehash all of those dealings, but you can read the specifics here.

After advising the ego-bruised not to have such high hopes about a woman who you had to wear down for 12 months to text you being “serious,” I promptly blocked ‘ol boy, wrote my piece, and moved on with my life. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t do the same. Instead, he reached out to my co-worker to let her know “I got what I deserved” via his text-lashing because I didn’t even give him a chance and he was serious about me. (FYI, his definition of being serious about me meant googling me and coming to the conclusion that I seem like a lot of woman to handle — details I only knew because he told my co-worker.) He continued to say I should’ve never texted him if I wasn’t interested, which is the only factual statement he made during their Facebook discourse. But the more he rattled off all the reasons I was the wrong party in this situation, I realized there are some things about getting a woman’s number that men have all the way twisted and I would like to correct them. Here’s what getting a woman’s number doesn’t entitle you to.

A chance

I should clarify I never gave this guy my number outright. He gave me his and I never used it until he caught me off guard one night and made me feel like an a– for always saying “I’ll text you” and never doing it. But as soon as I texted him I regretted it because I knew I wasn’t interested outright. When my co-worker convinced me he’s really a nice guy I felt like maybe I was just an a– again and I should at least give him a chance, but the lack of enthusiasm I had for doing so prohibited me from returning texts and calls. I don’t think just trying to make sure the man didn’t have a wife or girlfriend before I made up my mind about wanting to engage him qualifies as leading him on.

Reciprocated interest

A number is just a number. It is in no way an indication that the person who gives it is as interested as the person who requested it. It may hint at intrigue (or it may just mean they’re tired of saying “no”). Either way, it’s a first step to potential future interaction that can’t be read into as anything more than that.

A date

Sometimes you don’t need to get to the first date to realize things just aren’t going to work out between you and a guy. It may be something said in a conversation that tells you this ain’t what you want or maybe its his inability to string together a coherent sentence in text messages that alerts you you aren’t on the same page. Women have every right not to want to engage a man in person after realizing, via other forms of communication, he’s not the one.


It had to be said. I don’t think it needs to be explained.

The benefit of the doubt

Another one of the gripes from the mad texter is that I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. “She acted like I was just some dude around the way,” he told my co-worker. Well, aside from him being an acquaintance of my co-worker, that’s what he was. I didn’t know him from Adam, or Andre, or Aloysius, or any other man within the three-block radius of my house who’s asked for my number at one point or another. And guess what, I gave my number to one of them who constantly asked me to let him take me out. Did he ever actually do it? No. Did I flip out on him because he owed it to me to be a man of his word? No, I simply blocked him from contacting me again in the future, chalked it up to the game of ghost, and decided to be more selective about who I would give my number too, especially in my same ‘hood. I’m not saying it’s a good idea to treat all men the same; I’m saying you have the right not to go down a certain path when you suspect a similar undesired outcome.

And, can we be honest, the way dude flipped out on me essentially proved he didn’t deserve a chance, the benefit of the doubt, or for me to go out on a date with him. He also horribly disproved my co-worker’s “nice guy” claim. Next time I will stick with my intuition and keep my number to myself, at least until men can set proper expectations about what getting it means. Not much.

More on this situation here.

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