What They Really Want From A Sister? Why Uninformed Men Can’t Tell Me Nothing

April 11, 2017  |  


Uncertain confused young African American male shrugging shoulders and gesturing in uncertainty while failing to explain himself. Clueless dazed dark-skinned man having unsure doubftul look

My college ex and I have some pretty interesting conversations since we’ve learned how to be friends and actually communicate in our adult years. A recent text message I sent went a little something like this:

The last time we spoke, you told me I’m smart on the mouth and talk ish like “a red chick.” You said that you had never seen that before from a dark-skinned woman until me… Well, that is probably because you and the Black people who surrounded you growing up may have been raised to believe that lighter women are better or more attractive than darker women. So because of that, all the “red chicks” you came across felt validated simply because of their color. When you approached them, they had this attitude of “I’m the baddest chick.”

Now on the other hand, you have the darker girls you’ve ran across before me…. they don’t talk like I talk because those ideas of “what’s attractive” didn’t seem to include them. Think about it. Those ideas of pretty red this and yellow bone that were infused into the music of our heyday, in addition to the stereotypes embedded in their minds. So, long story short… I know better than to believe that hype and that’s why I speak and act so self-assured. I know you’re in love with the cocoa NOW, but in high school you probably were not. You probably thought the lighter, the better.  That is one of the many misconceptions that make women feel “less than.” We should be able to feel confident in every skin. 

When I’m right about something that’s serious business, my ex starts a new conversation or doesn’t reply back so he won’t have to relive the literary lashing I gave him, which is why he had nothing to say to my redbone exposé. As long he knows I’m right, I can live with that. But what I can’t live with are men who don’t understand how their societal ideologies and presumptions play a role in how women view themselves, especially Black women.

I see a lot of guys on social media dragging women about getting outrageous butt enhancements. This strikes me as odd because these same men who have so much to say about botched surgeries will declare a woman a “great catch” simply because she has a big behind… Newsflash: Women who go under the knife are usually trying to measure up to what men seem to desire. Why don’t men get that? Better yet, why don’t they understand the hypocrisy of their own sayings and doings?

I follow YouTuber AdrianXpression because he gives great commentary on happenings in pop culture and politics. The Librarian, as he’s often referred to, read the hell out of French Montana for his latest Twitter rant that tried to degrade a Black woman for having “nappy hair.” French even made some wild accusations about the woman’s sexual activity. Like Adrian said, women just can’t win! If we’re not “gettin’ low” men think we’re prudes, and if we do get low they love it in the moment but try to use it as an insult later. I’ve been over it since been over it. It’s this type of foolery that makes some women say, “Screw this, I’ll just focus on my career forever!”

I also follow Blair Nash, relationship strategist and author of books Illuminating the Battlefield and Love is a Beautiful Thing, Till It Ain’t. I think this Facebook status he wrote one evening best sums up this whole fiasco:

OUR MEN SHOULD BE LEADERS! Many men create narratives built around telling women how to behave while never fixing themselves. Often times men expect women to be all these things and even want them to submit… But often have nothing to offer or anything for any woman to respect. You will attract a better woman when you are a better version of yourself. 

I wholeheartedly agree, Blair. Until that happens, I can’t be bothered.

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