Right before my wedding in October, I was very close to losing my sh-t while waiting for certain people, at the very last minute, to RSVP. While some people had expressed a serious interest in being invited to the wedding, once it was time for them to sh-t or get off of the pot in terms of actually setting up travel plans, they weren’t so sure if they could make it anymore. My feelings weren’t hurt about this (in fact, I was hoping we could cut back on the number of guests…), I just needed confirmation of who was doing what to be able to finalize decor plans and food costs.
There was one friend in particular, a guy my now-husband has known for years, we were waiting on. While he seemed sure that he wanted to come, he told my husband that he was having issues with his girlfriend and wasn’t certain if she was going to make it. We had given him a plus-one with her in mind because we had met the woman, and they had been together for at least two and a half, maybe three years. They lived together. They traveled together. They were serious. I was only giving plus-ones to serious couples.
Because of their issues, he took his time getting back to us before eventually saying that yes, he was coming, and so was his girlfriend. “Yay!” for my husband. “Fine. Whatever. Put it in the Excel spreadsheet,” for me.
So the wedding day came, the ceremony went well and the reception was jumping. As we walked around to greet friends and family, eager to congratulate us was my husband’s friend. Standing next to him was a woman who was not his girlfriend. (NOTE: The image above perfectly reflects the real-life racial dynamics of the situation in this article — a.k.a., don’t get in your feelings.). In fact, I had never seen this woman before, but there she was, at my wedding, being introduced to me like she was an old friend of his. “Guys, this is Tracy,” a friend he trains. We said hi to Tracy, who was nice enough. We even took a picture with her, but I couldn’t help but ask when Tracy wasn’t looking, where his actual girlfriend was.
“Where’s Dee?”
“She couldn’t make it,” he said. That’s all he told me. And while I was a little peeved at the fact that he brought a complete stranger to my wedding when the plus-one was reserved for his live-in, long-term girlfriend, I was more so bothered that he flew in this woman, at the last minute, and brought her around people who know his partner. As the months would go on, there was no official word on whether or not he and Dee had broken up, but it appeared, via Instagram, that they were still living together (he was spotted on IG Live canoodling with her tabby cat). However, Tracy was still spending time with him outside of the gym. He was commenting with admiration on her pictures, and she was scoring tickets for them to sit close to the floor at Knick’s games on his birthday.
Awkward.
But what’s really awkward is the fact that this type of stuff happens more often than you would think.
A woman shared her story with Dear Wendy about a boyfriend who had been invited as a plus-one by female friends to two weddings and planned on going to both. They had been dating for five months and she felt disrespected by the fact that while he didn’t hide his plans, he didn’t speak about them with her before making a decision:
My boyfriend recently got invited to two different weddings. The thing is, he got invited as a ‘plus one’ so he is not able to take me. The girls who invited him are supposedly really good friends with him and have known him longer than I have. I want to wig out on him about it but I don’t want to be overreacting. I want to be a cool understanding girlfriend but I can’t help that this makes me jealous. We’ve been going out for five months and things are pretty great. He didn’t ask permission or anything about the weddings but as soon as he was invited he told me. I’m not sure what to think. I’ve asked my friends but they just want to be mad at him for accepting to go to the weddings. I feel like I need a more level headed person to assess this situation. — Un-Plus One
While I’m sure the invites were harmless in the latter case, I agree that it’s not cool that as his girlfriend, this woman was not being considered by her boyfriend or his friends. Why would someone in a burgeoning relationship with someone else be the person you ask to be your plus-one for a wedding? Why would you say yes without talking to your significant other? At the end of the day, they are a date. Dates to weddings, whether just old friends or people getting to know one another better, are spending quality time together. They’re eating, drinking, talking, dancing with one another, meeting other old friends and acquaintances and making an impression that the significant other who was left at home can’t make. Is that really ok just to keep up I’m-not-alone appearances?
I’m of the frame of mind that if you can’t go to a wedding with your significant other, then you should go by yourself. In a room full of people, including friends of the bride and groom that you may already know or get to meet, you won’t be alone. Choosing to jeopardize a relationship just so you, or someone you know can have some close company at a wedding for a few hours can cause boundaries to be crossed — and it’s asking for trouble…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What say you? Is it petty to be upset that your boyfriend wants to go to a wedding with another woman?
