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Hey Damon,

I’m in a very confused situation right now, I have this guy whom I have been liked for a very long time. We both seemed to have felt the same way about each other. Anyway, he went to jail for 4 years ( yes I said jail, but he was/ is a nice dude so whatever). He sent me a letter when he got there letting me how he felt about me and how when he got home he would look for me. Since I was unable to respond because my kids father tore the letter I just put him as outta sight outta mind, sort of. I thought about him from time to time but that’s it… He made a big impact on me because he never tried anything with me, he never propositioned me for sex with or anything. It was weird he made me feel like a teenager all mushy and stuff, and I liked it because I never had that feeling for anyone before, not even my kids father…and at the time I was being treated horribly by my kids father and I was just in a hard place….. OK well when he got back my mom told me he came looking for me. I never expected him here so soon, but now that he is I’m like a  teenager again…But of course since I have had so much bad luck with men I don’t want this to end up like the previous ones. He tells me stuff like he wants to be with me, how he wants to take me out, that I’m going to be his wife, all the things that sound good but I’m scared because a little known hater told me that a man that just got out of jail will tell you anything. That scares me because I had feelings for him before he left and now that he’s back the feelings are stronger. I’m definitely scared to share my feelings with him, I’m super shy around him. I want to open up really badly but I fear that he may just be telling me what I want to hear because of his situation.  I’m so scared of getting hurt. Every time I think of the future I always go back to the fact that he could be just playing with me. What should I do? How do I go about handling this situation. I need help. THANK YOU.

Sincerely,

Pining over a Parolee

 

Dear Pining over a Parolee,

Sounds like your emotions are all locked up. The jury is still out on whether there’s an actual future between you two. I understand how pining over someone you’re not able to see or touch can put you in a mental, emotional, and sexual prison, and I’m not one to judge someone who finds themselves in that position. (Get it? “Locked up?” “Jury?” “Prison?” “Judge?” See how clever I am?)

Ok. Full disclosure. My mom occasionally reads these columns, and last week she asked me to try — for a week — to be a little kinder when responding to certain questions. I didn’t agree at first, but she promised to make me French Toast and bacon the next time I visit her if I heeded her request. And, since I can’t pass up free pork, I’m actively attempting to decrease the snark.

Thing is, Pining, subtracting the sarcasm makes me unable to answer your question the way it needs to be answered. I desperately want to joke about how men in prison will do anything — fanatically work out, convert to Islam, take up fellatio, etc — to make their time easier, and how writing letters to unhappy women falls into that category. I’d also probably touch on the phrase “little known hater,” and I’d ask you to explain what the hell that meant.

(I mean, isn’t that somewhat redundant? Aren’t all haters little known? Or, did you mean little “known hater?” Like, this guy is a known hater who just happens to be very tiny. If this is true, does he bare any resemblance to Katt Williams?)

But, since swine is on my mind, I’m just going to advise you to listen to the little known hater. I get that the sweet talking prison dude has you all damp down there, but everything about this letter and your situation — the pining former prisoner, the baby daddy with anger issues — screams disaster waiting to happen. If you were single I might advise you to just be careful and make sure to triple up, but since you have a young child, you have to be smarter than that. Distance yourself as far as you Fawking can from both of these losers to at least give your child a fighting chance in life so that in 20 years, he’s not the dude writing chicks letters from prison.

Sincerely,

Damon Young (aka The Champ)

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