Serious Question: Is Sex With A Friend Always A Bad Idea?
Last week, the MN team got into a spirited conversation about the line between lovers and friends and whether it should ever be crossed. Specifically, whether it’s ever a good idea to turn a friend into a lover and nothing more.
The impetus for the debate was a clip from last Monday’s episode of “K. Michelle: My Life” in which the singer gets into a physical fight with her friend who apparently went down on her and thought that sexual act meant they were going to be together. Meanwhile, K. Michelle thought nothing of the night other than physical pleasure and went back to cozying up with her fiancé. As K told the cameras, there’s a simple explanation for her lesbian sexcapade: “I have drunken nights where I like to get some head in the bed.”
But that’s now how it works for friend Melisia who claims K. Michelle told her she loved her and wanted to be with her the night they had sex. As far as she’s concerned, “You can’t have sex with me and then the next minute be like, ‘I’m cool on you.'”
Fair enough. But whether K. Michelle whispered sweet nothings in her girl’s ear or not, did the simple act of sex lead her on? According to some of our editors, that answer is yes.
“Why would you have sex with your friend if you know she has feelings for you?” asked one staffer, to which I facetiously, yet seriously, retorted: “Happens everyday B.”
There was a follow-up statement along the lines of, “To go down on someone you have to have feelings for them” that again put the blame on K. Michelle for being too carefree with both her vagina and her friend’s emotions to which I couldn’t personally relate. However, the murky waters of friend-turned-cutty buddy is a familiar tale. I’ve personally never crossed that line, though not for lack of trying. But I vividly remember calling bullsh-t on the friend who claimed he didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship over a one-night thing. As you can deduce from my tone, I was out here like Chaka Khan, “I’d gladly risk it all!” But because hindsight is 20/20, I can now see not crossing that line was probably the best move, as I doubt my boy and I would still be friends 10 years later if we’d taken it there, no matter how casual I claimed the encounter would be.
Which brings me to the whole concept of friends with benefits and why it needs a new name. The idea behind such an arrangement is that no feelings are involved, just sex, which is cool if that’s your cup of tea. But if someone is a friend, there are feelings involved. They don’t necessarily have to be romantic or sexual, but there’s some level of emotion, concern, loyalty, commitment, etc. present. And if you couple that emotion with sex, someone is bound to want more from the encounter than an orgasm because the very nature of your relationship isn’t casual.
Though Melisia may have jumped the gun a bit by assuming sex with K. Michelle was going to turn into a union beyond friendship, I have to admit she’s probably right when she says, “If we just friends, let’s not f-ck then.”
Do you agree?