Hilarious Thoughts Every Woman Has When She Gains Weight
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There are countless reasons a woman’s weight fluctuates throughout her life. If you’re newly single, you may be re-new the bar scene and all of the calorie-loaded cocktails that come with it. If you’re in a relationship, you may be more interested in snuggling in the morning than going to the gym. If your best friend opens a restaurant up the street, you may spend your evenings hanging out there and trying all of her new recipes. And if you mimic what your partner eats, well, you may not metabolize daily BLT’s the way he does. It happens to the best of us, and the best of us can have a sense of humor about it. Here are hilarious thoughts every woman has when she gains a little weight.
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I’ve always wanted to be a moo-moo person
You may hop online and order a few colorful, floral moo-moos for yourself, convincing yourself you aren’t forty years too young for them.
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Bigger boobs!
Well, duh. That is one perk of gaining a little weight. And when it happens in a relationship, you say to your partner every day, “Look how big my boobs are! I said LOOK DAMNIT!”
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I’ll just be bootylicious
Some women fully embrace the weight gain and buy all new clothes that show off their wider hips, bigger tush, and fuller breasts. And the fun, sassy attitude that comes with it!
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Good thing my man loves me
When you know you are totally irreplaceable in the eyes of your man, then you don’t worry about his attraction level to you when you gain a little weight.
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I’m probably just bloated and constipated
Whether they call it bloat, constipation, water retention, or heavy clothing, some women will not admit they’ve straight-up gained weight. More power to them.
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No more jeans
Jeans are the enemy of a little weight gain. If you put on two pounds, your jeans let you know it. Which is why some women give all of their jeans away when they gain weight. Or make some sort of a quilt out of them. Quilts fit everybody.
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But I stayed thin for a while though
You have to love this perspective. The, “I stayed in pretty good shape for over thirty years which is over a quarter of my life so, I’d say I won.”
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In some countries, big women are cherished
Then there is that moment of denial where you start googling the countries that worship women who are hundreds of pounds overweight. You’re not really sure why, but it feels good in the moment.
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I can fix it with makeup
The makeup geniuses out there know that there is nothing a little contouring can’t cover up! At least, in the face department.
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I’m still thinner than so-and-so!
Whoever your nemesis, frienemy, perceived competition is…you feel proud because you’re still thinner than she is.
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I need a refund on this scale
“Hello. Customer service? Yes, I need a refund on this scale. It’s nearly 15 pounds off. Yes, I am sure and what do you even mean by that?! Can I speak to your supervisor please!”
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This is my boyfriend’s fault
Then there is that moment when you bust into your boyfriend’s office and go on a rant about all of the cheese and bacon in the house and how he should support you in your healthy eating habits more!
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I should buy all drawstring clothes
It’s the smartest investment, really. You can just cinch them tighter when you’re thin or let them hang loose when you’re overweight. They make ball gowns and pant suits with drawstrings, right?
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Jiggling is fun
“When I bounce up and down, my boobs and butt jiggle more. Lifting my boobs in the air like I’m juggling them is fun too. Oh. I forgot to close the curtains. Hi, neighbor.”
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I don’t know how this happened!
Yes, you do. It happened because you moved into an apartment down the street from your favorite stuffed crust pizza place and you’ve taken full advantage of the coupons they send you in the mail.
