Why Do I Feel Guilty? Things No One Tells You About Being A Wife

November 17, 2016  |  
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I haven’t been married very long, but in the short time that I have been a Mrs., I’ve learned a lot. I’ve seen a lot. I’ve discovered more about my partner now than I did when we were just dating. It’s been very interesting. I didn’t really know what to expect going into things, but now that I’m in a marriage, I’ve had quite a few experiences with my spouse, with our loved ones and alone with my own thoughts that have helped me better understand why so many people kept telling me “marriage is work” before I said “I do.” Now I know what they were trying to say. But I do love it, and I’m excited to see what the future holds for us as Mr. and Mrs.

Still, I thought it would be interesting to share some of the lessons about being a wife I’ve learned so far that you might relate to. Share your own advice down below!

couple in bed, couple arguing, woman thinking

You might feel guilty.

I was a very busy woman before I got married. I was always at some event, at the gym, taking part in some kind of activity at my church or just hitting the town with friends. I didn’t care because I was coming home to my own apartment. Now that I’m married, I feel bad if my work or those aforementioned activities keep me out late enough that I miss out on bonding time when I get home. I don’t plan on giving up the things that are important to me, but I do realize that I have to keep my husband and how he may feel about coming home to an empty apartment more often than not in mind. If the shoe was on the other foot, would I like that?

couple, couple talking

You really do need to communicate — about everything.

With that being said, it’s important to talk. You all don’t have to have long, drawn-out conversations reminiscent of your dating years. But keeping each other abreast of where you are, how you’re feeling and what’s going on is important. When you have an incident where one of you is MIA for some reason (or coming home later than you expected and letting a hot meal go cold), you will understand why.

bridesmaids, friends, marriage

Your friendships might need to change and not everyone will like that.

I once had a conversation with a colleague who found it odd that her male friend wouldn’t respond to her messages after a certain time of the evening. As it turned out, out of respect for his wife, he only entertained messages and calls if they were an emergency in the evenings. I now see why that’s necessary. I love seeing and chatting with my friends and siblings, but when you’ve spent a majority of the day with the world and little time after the workday with your spouse, you need to carve out couple’s time. Back-and-forth text messages to have girl talk can come off as a nuisance during that time, especially if they come late at night. And while it’s cool to hang out with your girlfriends, you can’t roll to the club and stay out all night long like you used to. When someone is waiting for you at home, the way you do things with your crew may need to be revamped.

couple hugging

Be the bigger person.

While it’s good for your ego to hold out on saying anything to your husband until you get an apology, it’s not good for your marriage. Apologizing first when you know you played a part in an unnecessary quarrel can actually propel your partner to do the same thing, therefore putting the situation to bed much faster. And even though you would pop off immediately when you were bothered by something in the past, you start learning the importance of picking your battles and knowing what’s petty enough to let go of.

Thanksgiving, family holiday

You need to make a better effort with his circle.

I don’t like calling people to make small talk. I’m just not a phone person. However, if I don’t reach out to my husband’s mom often enough, I’ll get a call with a “I haven’t heard from you, is everything okay?” sent my way. It hurts her feelings, and I don’t want to do that. So even if it’s just calling once a week, inviting his best friend over who feels forgotten or letting his sister know you’re thinking of her, it’s a good idea to make the people in his circle a part of your own (as long as they don’t bring drama with them…). You’re a family now.

couple thinking, couple talking

You need to talk about expectations before you say “I do.”

That includes how many days the both of you will cook, who is taking care of what household chores and when, how many kids you want and when you want to start creating them — the whole shabang. That way you don’t go into the marriage getting a side-eye because you want to get takeout for the fourth night in a row and because you frown at his relatives when they ask about twins.

couple sharing, interracial couple, couple eating

What’s yours is theirs.

This was hard for me because there were major moments when I wanted to be stingy with my money, and minor (a.k.a., petty) moments where I didn’t understand why he ate one of the two rolls I baked for myself. I quickly had to learn that I couldn’t focus solely on me anymore. We have to work as a team. What’s mine is his. So if my credit card needs to be used for a certain something, so be it — he’s not sticking me for my paper. And he’s welcome to eat my rolls…as long as he replaces them.

angry couple, argument

You will be annoyed.

Again, certain things will just work your last good nerve. You may want to sigh loudly, call him out on everything, or wear your irritation all over your face (I’m guilty of that!). However, some things just aren’t worth it. A squabble over why he didn’t change the toilet-paper roll or wash that dish he just put in the empty sink may not be worth it, sis.

couple, couple kissing

Affection can be just as good as sex — sometimes.

You might think that because you’re now married and living together, you need to be having sex every day. Kudos to those who are making that happen! However, some people just want to come home and hit the sack sometimes. It happens. So if you go a few days without a roll in the hay, you shouldn’t start freaking out immediately. This is especially true if you know that you’ve both shown each other a lot of affection in the interim. Sometimes cuddling up together while you watch your shows or always kissing before you leave each other’s presence works. It can be enough to remind one another that things are all good until you both have the energy and time to be spontaneous and get it in again.

couple in bed, woman thinking

You will second-guess yourself.

You will probably have the moments I’ve had sometimes where you wonder if you’re going about things right. Do I need to branch out with my dinner recipes? Do I need to give him some space? Should I attend that mixer or go home? This is where communication works. Before you freak out and assume you’re not doing enough, talk to your spouse and know where he stands. Don’t overextend yourself and be sure to give yourself a break.


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