Ask a Very Smart Brotha: White Girls, Soul Food & Marvin’s Room
Ok, so let me start here. I’ve been with this guy for two years, everything was great. We had our fights but overall we were amazing. We even talked about moving in together, children and marriage. We met when I was 19 and he was 22. Now, he’s 24 and I’m 21. As of lately things have been hectic, to say the least. About 3 months ago we decided we should take a break and really grow up as individuals and see if we really wanted to be with each other (our fights had escalated). About a month later, he decided he didn’t want to be with me so I said okay and left it at that. After that we still talked, and still did the boyfriend-girlfriend thing (sex, dinner, movies, chill etc.). I was so confused then. A few weeks forward. I send him a text, if we’re not working toward a relationship or building toward something, we should completely stop this, because it’s not fair to me. And Nothing…. a few days later I get a ‘hey’. WTF!??! And I obviously responded, and we hang out later that day. After that day, it’s been about a week since we’ve talked or hung out. I’ve talked to so many people about this, and they all don’t understand either, so I turn to you, my friend. So please, H E L P!!
Panama, my colleague at VerySmartBrothas.com, wrote something a few weeks ago about Drake’s “Marvin’s Room” and how it proved that men can be “emo” too. While I didn’t disagree with his premise, I thought that the song — where a drunk Drake calls an ex-girlfriend and apologizes for being a dog — also proves that we (men) can be manipulative assholes too. We don’t make those calls because we feel bad. We make those calls because we want to continue to do our thing with other women, don’t want the scorned ex to hate us, and want to leave the door open if we ever tire of doing our thing and want to get back with the ex. Basically, we want all of the birthday cake, and we want everybody at the party to be smiling while we eat it.
In your case, your ex knows that continuing to do “boyfriend” stuff with you without the “boyfriend” title allows him to have all of the cake (and the cake in this sense is you and any other woman he happens to be dealing with) without saving any for anyone else. You’re confused because he wants you to be. Confused and emotionally invested women continue to “try” to make things work and will continue to do what they can to help the man choose her. My advice: You need to stop being “confused.” He’s dicking you around, and will continue to do so as long as you allow him to. You’re both pretty young, so you both need to leave each other alone and take this time to date other people and have fun.
And, in three months, if you get one of those “Marvin’s Room” 2 am phone calls from him, send that Beyotch straight to voicemail.
Damon Young (aka The Champ)
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com
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