Your Friend’s Man Hits On You, Now What?

September 16, 2011  |  

Picture this. You’re on a triple date at Disneyland, three girls, three guys, and everyone’s booed up. Part of the crew goes off for food, get on a ride or whatever, you’re left to muddle through small talk with your friend’s boyfriend. And every time the two of you are alone, he’s trying to rub up, telling you how he’d like to be with you, how you look way better than his girl.

The rest of the crew comes back, and Mr. Scumbag straightens up, starts hugging and loving on the girl he just put down, but every time she looks away, he’s burning holes into you, even blowing kisses.

At this point you have two decisions to make: 1) tell your friend, 2) or let her find out about the lowlife in her own time.

If you go with Numero Uno, be ready to have your news not so well received. This exact scenario happened to me and I was worried to leave my house for weeks. I told my guy friend that his sister’s boyfriend was a dirtbag, and that he was trying to hit on me whenever he got the chance.  Guy friend tells sister, who acts a hot ghetto mess and puts me on three-way with her man and they both curse me out and threaten to beat me to a pulp. I asked why guy friend didn’t stick up for me, I’ll never forgive him for that.

Months later, guy friend calls to apologize and tell me his sister FINALLY finds out for herself about the dirtbag because he tries the same thing with her cousin, whom she believes over me.  Guess my account wasn’t credible enough, huh?

The truth is, there’s a correlation on how invested your friend or associate is in the relationship, and the likelihood of whether she will believe you or not. Some women are so hung up on their ‘piece of man’ that they’d sooner pummel you and accuse you of flirting with their man than to explore whether dude is qualified for sainthood. It’s always easier to blame the girl. The cheating, manipulative man is banking on her desperation, love and loyalty.  A little divide and conquer and alienation of friends is an added bonus to him.

I’ve never regretted telling of the a-hole, but it hurt like hell that not only was I not believed, I was demonized and threatened with violence.  So, the decision is up to you. The RIGHT thing to do is to tell. But doing what’s right won’t necessarily be easy, and you might lose a friend.

And don’t forget to carry your mace.

Christelyn D. Karazin is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race Culture and Creed (to be released April 2012), and runs a blog,, dedicated to women of color who are interested and or involved in interracial and intercultural relationships. She is also the founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 72 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.

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