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I’ve always been one to say that “Life is too short” to hold grudges, especially ones towards those close to you. I’ve believed, through my faith, that forgiving people for the things they do does more for me than it does for them. Who has the time or energy to hold on to all that anger? I still believe that.
But I also have come to the conclusion that I can forgive you and not want anything to do with you. And that anything isn’t said with rage or animosity behind it, but rather, with my mental health in mind.
In the effort to be diplomatic and to appear less than petty, I’ve given a certain individual a handful of chances to get right after disrespectful comments have been made over the years about everything from my hair to my attempts to go out of my way for this person during important life events. Not to mention that their energy is often off — when it isn’t, that’s a good day.
I’ve hoped for change, and each time, been disappointed by more of the same. More of the unreliability, more of the disrespect, more of the bullsh-t. Recently, I decided that I can’t take it anymore. It’s nice to want to move forward and embrace people, but it sucks when you keep providing opportunities for them to come back into your life, only for them to continue to hurt your feelings. To continue to disregard your time, money and energy. To continue to be self-absorbed and really adding nothing of value to your life but rather, take, take and take. Lord knows I’s tired.
But when I bring my feelings up to the people in my life who tend to play the moral compass role, like my mother or my future husband, I’m told that I’m better off letting my dismay go. Why? Because it was my fault for depending on people. If I learn not to do so, I’ll have less chances to end up disappointed. I guess, mom.
Oh, and the other suggestion was that “You have to talk it out.” When I asked why, I wasn’t really given the “Message!” moment I was hoping for: “You just need to, babe.”
But do I?
I don’t think so. What I do think is that in an attempt to not have what we believe will be drama by ending a relationship, we continue to deal with actualized drama every time that person comes around. It’s exhausting. We continue to be subjected to their moods, their comments, their selfishness and all the other toxic personality characteristics that leave us drained when we finally remove ourselves from their presence. It’s almost like volunteering yourself to be denigrated time and time again and actually believing that you’ll come out of it unscathed each time. Yeah, right.
Not to mention, according to a study, toxic people in your life, from friends to romantic interests, can literally make you sick. In a UCLA study from earlier this year, researchers found that stressful relationships can increase the levels of protein in your body that can cause inflammation, which can lead to serious health issues down the line. When asked to explain such results, Daniel Yadager, M.D. told the New York CBS affiliate that while you might eat healthy and exercise to have optimal health, it’s also important to have good relationships for your overall wellness.
“This is also part of leading a healthy lifestyle, is to make sure you’re around people who are nurturing and supportive.”
And if you leave your friend or loved one feeling more stressed than relaxed, chances are, they are going to make you ill down the line. As I prepare for a new chapter in my life (marriage), I don’t want to take people with me into that stage who, in my heart, I genuinely feel don’t wish me well. People who really couldn’t be concerned with my feelings. And no, I don’t have an exit strategy that will end things on good terms. I’m just separating myself and looking at it as going on sick leave: I’m sick and tired of your a–.
So while I’m all for salvaging the relationships that mean a lot to you and that have seen you through many hills and valleys in your life, those who’ve dragged you through some of those valleys or only come around during the hilly times may need to be reevaluated. As much as I would like to stay close with every person who has played a role in the stages of my youth and adulthood, it’s not worth it if I’m the only one always making the positive effort to ensure that happens, and the one regretting that I did each and every time.
