Using a percentage amount, how many d–k pics would you guess are sent accidentally? If you guessed any percentage over zero, you’re 100 percent incorrect. Now, a d–k pic might be published on Snapchat, Twitter or other forms of social media accidentally. Just ask Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green. But accidental is the word that Green – and other men before (and after) him – use after and only after they’ve completed the necessary stages of d–k pic-ery.
“Stages? What are these stages of which you speak?” I’m glad you asked.
Stage 1: Take a Pic
A man begins by taking a picture, or several, of his junk. More likely than not, no woman expressly asked to receive such a picture. But being the thoughtful man he is, he volunteered this surprise of all surprises. Why? Because he can read minds and knew that at that very moment in time, the intended recipient was dying to see a picture of his manhood – next to a Coke bottle, sticking out from beneath his drawers, dressed up in a sombrero – whatever. He texts the pic at any time of day or night – more often than not to a woman (or women) he doesn’t really know too well. But surely his d–k pic will make up for that fact and both parties can plow through the getting to know one another stage. He awaits a response. Thirty incredibly long seconds later, still no response. Not a good sign. He then suddenly realizes the mistake he made. Panic ensues.
Stage 2: Delete
Realizing he shared his junk with multiple – err, thousands of people on social media – he promptly deletes the d–k pic from wherever he accidentally posted it, but only after intentionally taking the photo, of course. Green deleted his photo from Snapchat after roughly 10 minutes, which is an eternity on the interwebs. Panicking, sweating bullets, cursing, praying that no one saw it, screen shot or saved the pic – all of this is acceptable during this stage.
Stage 3: Denial
Denial, better known as straight up lying, is particularly important if he has no idea how his pictures were released to the media and public at large. He was careful, after all, to send his d–k pics to a select few women. Never mind the fact that framed photos of him and his family are more prominent in said picture than anything else – here’s looking at you, Anthony Weiner. But deny he does. He would never do such a thing! He is a man of integrity and blahbity blah. Bonus points if he pokes fun at the whole situation. My, what strength he must have to laugh at a time like this.
Stage 4: I Was Hacked
Who would upload a d–k pic on a public figure’s social media? A hacker, that’s who. This is my favorite go-to excuse, one that Green used. “I was hacked!” And yet, somehow, despite this grave offense, the hackee determines that there’s no need to involve the authorities. He’ll get to the bottom of this on his own. And if any indicators of that public figure’s likeness are seen in these nude photos (you know, not just his ween), he is clearly being framed by his enemies. They Photoshopped him. Right?
Stage 5: More Denial and/or Acceptance
After a private talk and meetings with his staff and designated personal fixer, public figure d–k picture taker either continues to publicly deny the truth, or accepts responsibility for his actions. Acceptance makes stage six that much easier.
Stage 6: Apology
Finally past the B.S., an official apology is sometimes issued, both to the public and to the family members of the d–k pic solicitor. He says something about letting himself and those he loves down. Some acknowledgement or recognition of embarrassment. He vows to do better, to learn from his mistake and to put all of this behind him. In Green’s case, he had this to say: “I kinda hit the wrong button and it sucks. It was meant to be private. We’re all one click away from placing something in the wrong place, and I suffered from that.”
Thus endeth the stages of public figure d–k pic-ery.
When a public figure “accidentally” releases such an image for the world to see, his behavior is often passed off as idiotic, but laughable. No matter the circumstances surrounding the situation (if the d–k pics were meant to be sent to his girlfriend, his wife or other women), the general consensus post-pic seems to uphold the “boys will be boys” maxim. Anthony Weiner reappeared two short years after his first scandal, ready to rock and roll in the political arena. People accepted him, but then, like an idiot, he did the same damn thing. Again.
While I’ve made light of the d–k pic situation, I want to stress that I’m not knocking consensual adults who send each other nude pictures. At this point, we’re all fully aware of the potential consequences of such an exchange. And if you’re cheating on your partner, sending those pics to another person, you know those consequences as well.
But Green’s picture is a harsh reminder of the differences in which men and women in similar and non-similar situations are treated. This incident will soon be forgotten. And not that it should be, but Green’s character won’t be called into question because of the photo. He won’t be slut-shamed. He won’t lose any endorsements. Hereto and forever more, he won’t be known as “that d–k pic guy” (seriously, that title goes to Weiner — no pun intended). His character won’t be denigrated and no one will ever tell him he’s exhibiting unmanly, non-classy behavior. Nor will he carry the burden of being labeled loose or promiscuous. Girls and women are policed for doing a lot less (all the more reason I don’t understand when men like Green go through the stages above).
Take Malia Obama, for example, who got flack for supposedly dropping it like it’s hot at Lollapalooza; for being a normal, fun-having, teenage girl. Or Melania Trump, whose nude photos of yesteryear were published on the front page of The New York Post with the headline: “The Ogle Office.” She has been slut-shamed on numerous occasions and used as a ploy to denigrate Donald Trump, who’s doing a pretty good job of that on his own. At this point, Trump would probably be commended by his supporters if he were to “accidentally” upload a d–k pic on his Twitter page. However, if God loves us, that will never happen. Either way, it’s clear that when we talk about these things, there’s a big difference when it comes to what’s considered lewd and unacceptable for men, compared to women.