How You’re Making Your Relationship Fights Uneccessarily Longer
Fighting with a romantic partner feels worse than fighting with a family member, a coworker, or anyone else you know. There’s a reason for that too: you’re chemically bonded to your partner. If you’ve been together for a while, your body is used to certain hormonal changes when you’re near your partner. Those hormonal changes are mostly good (if you’re with the right person) and your body becomes dependent on them. So when you fight with your partner, you can almost feel like you’re sick because the usual feel-good hormones and chemicals you experience around him are off balance. In a sense, when you fight with your partner, you feel like you’re fighting with yourself because internally everything feels messed up. Naturally, you want fights with a partner to be over as soon as possible. But there might be things you do that make your fights even worse.
Bringing in your friend’s opinions
“This is exactly what Brian and Sam say you do! They’ve noticed you act like this too. It’s not just me!” It’s totally unfair to bring in absent individuals to team up against your partner. Now you’ve hurt your relationship with him, and his friends’ relationships with him.
Asking for someone else’s opinion
“I’m going to call your mom and see who she thinks is right about all of this.” It shouldn’t matter what outsiders think: it should just matter that you and your partner come to a solution that’s satisfactory to both parties.
Sleeping away from the house
Don’t go sleep at your friend’s house. This only heightens the drama of everything. It makes it seem like you figuratively run from your problems because you literally run from them.
Saying everything in the moment
One huge mistake is to say everything you’re feeling in the heat of the moment. You’re too emotional to ask yourself, “Is this conducive to what I want out of this relationship? Does saying this fix anything?”
Trying to win
When you’re both worked up, neither of you wants to see things from the other person’s side. Trying to make a power point about how you’re correct will only infuriate your partner further.
Trying to hurt the other person
If your partner accidentally hurts you, you might go into fight or flight mode and begin lashing out insults to him as a subconscious way of protecting yourself. But this is like throwing grease on a fire.
If you mess up and your partner points it out, don’t point out all of the times he messed up in the same way. You’re too old to be reminded, but two wrongs don’t make a right.
Questioning somebody’s feelings
If your partner tells you that something you do makes him feel sad or neglected, don’t explain to him why he is wrong. You can’t talk him out of his feelings. He isn’t working from a logical place, and trying to force him to do so will make him feel like you don’t empathize with him.
Having flashbacks of past relationships
Even if something about this fight resembles a fight you had in your last relationship, don’t go into flashback mode. This is not that relationship, and your partner doesn’t deserve you treating it like it is.
When has this ever resulted in anything good? If you’re super emotional, you practically already are drunk. Don’t make things harder on yourself by drinking nasty truth serum. You’ll say things you regret.
Calling your enabling friend
If you want to feel “correct” in your fury, you might call that one single friend who hates men. She’ll totally agree with you about what an a–hole your boyfriend is and let you vent. But, she could also make you think matters are worse than they are.
Don’t go out with friends or hit the bars. If you go do something fun, your partner can perceive this as you not caring about resolving the fight.
Forcing the other person to speak
If your partner isn’t ready to talk, don’t force him. He might just be smart and mature enough to know that he’s too emotional to have a conversation right now. Don’t call him a coward for requesting time alone.
Yelling and screaming resolves absolutely nothing. In fact, when you are yelling, your partner immediately assumes you are not in your right state of mind, and won’t listen to you at all.
Comparing your partner to an ex
“My last boyfriend never did anything like this.” What’s the point of saying something like that? How on earth will that make matters better? Now you’re adding jealousy to injury to insult.
Comparing him to somebody he hates
This is a specific form of trying to hurt your partner, and the worst one. Refrain from pointing out how he is currently behaving exactly like that one person he hates. It’s not productive.
Trying to make a joke about it
Making a joke about the whole thing makes your partner feel like you don’t take his feelings seriously, and ultimately don’t care about the future of this relationship.
Threatening a breakup
This will only make your partner worried, even when the fight is over, that this relationship is very fragile. He’ll wonder if you’re always one fight away from breaking up.
Clearly going to talk sh-t about your partner
Don’t tell your partner that you’re going to call your mom or your friend and tell them all about what happened. That’s very immature and unfair. That’s like gossiping about your partner. (You need to vent to your BF of course, but don’t tell your partner you’re going to).
Don’t give your partner the silent treatment. You can say, “I need some time to think” but don’t just ghost on him, turn your phone off, leave, and stop speaking to him. That’s rude, even if you are in a fight.