Hilarious Questions Men Have About Foods Women Love
There are plenty of men who follow health trends, know of the new superfood before the blogs do, have a dozen recyclable, cloth bags and go to the farmer’s market. Those men do exist, so I don’t want to fail to acknowledge them. That being said, women are generally the first ones to go crazy when a “new” type of lettuce shows up at health food stores. We’re the first ones to stick a straw in whatever new muddy, seedy drink nutritionists say will let us live to be 100 years old. And that’s why our partners are usually very confused about what they find in the fridge.
Personally, I don’t worry about my boyfriend eating my groceries because he thinks half of them look like they should still be in the ground — or they smell like a dumpster, as all really good superfoods do. If you put yourself in the shoes of somebody who knows nothing about health foods, you can see how your chorizo kale wraps might be shocking. Here are 15 hilarious things men think about the foods women are obsessed with.
“So, there are live cultures in your snack? Does that mean there are, like, bugs in it? And you’re murdering them!”
“Is the glass itself skinny? But then, that’s just less drink. And that’s a rip-off. Then you have to order four skinnies to get enough alcohol, and you may as well have had a fat margarita. Is a fat margarita a thing?”
“Instead of buying a dozen tiny bags of 10 mini pretzels, why don’t you just buy a giant, bulk box from Costco or something?” Men don’t understand anything about self-control issues. Or, at least, they don’t think eating a giant box in one sitting is an issue.
“So you somehow found a way to take an already-bad food—lettuce—and make it worse? What you’re saying is you like your lettuce to be dryer, stiffer and grosser?”
“You cannot make chips out of kale. Chips come from potatoes or tortillas. Chips by nature are not supposed to be healthy. Can you dip a kale chip in guacamole? Exactly.”
“How do you get milk out of an almond? Almonds don’t have utters. Do you blend them up? No. That would ruin your blender. Then how would you make your skinny margaritas.”
Ahi tuna steak
“First of all, tuna isn’t steak—steak is steak. Secondly, raw tuna cannot be safe. It just can’t be.”
“You don’t need to spend $12 on a small bottle of juice. Look. I’ll buy you juice. Here is a giant jug of orange juice for $4. Problem solved.”
“The food to work ratio is just not worth it. There is, like, no food on an artichoke. You would starve if you had to eat artichokes.”
“So is it juice or is it water? And if it’s just water then why is it $4 for a little box? Why don’t you just open a coconut?”
“First of all, how do you say this? Is it like ‘Ah-kay? Ah-sae?’ Second of all, isn’t it just, like, a berry? How are you making full meals of these things. Acai bowls? Come on. Burritos are the only foods that can be turned into bowls.”
“A wrap is made from flour or pitta or corn tortilla. Anything wrapped in lettuce is a salad! A lettuce wrapped burger is a burger salad. You can’t fool us.”
“Why is there a garden in your drink? You like to turn your burgers and your drinks into salads.”
“Pumpkin martinis. Pumpkin rice. Pumpkin beer. Are you just trying to see how many things you can put pumpkin in? Are you going to make pumpkin pumpkin next?”
“It’s fine if you like quinoa. But don’t pretend that quinoa is better than rice in a burrito, or that quinoa is better than pasta in risotto. It’s not. It’s just not.”