Hilarious Thoughts All Women Have When They Realize They’re Pregnant
Even women who want to become pregnant and have been trying with their partners for ages are never quite prepared to see that little positive symbol on that little pink stick. It isn’t until you know you’re pregnant that the concept of having a living human being growing inside of you kicks in. It isn’t until you’re pregnant that the reality hits that you will never only be responsible for yourself, again. Even when that kid is 40, he/she will still keep you up at night. Speaking of which, will your baby be a he or a she?! Your baby might have been some ethereal being in your head until you got that positive test result. As you can see, discovering you’re pregnant can bring up all sorts of thoughts. You can’t be held responsible for what runs through your head at that life changing moment. So here are 15 hilarious and terrifying thoughts women have when they discover they’re pregnant.
How did this….! Ooooh.
Wait a minute. How is this possible?! Ooooh. Right. When we were really drunk after date night, and I knew I had forgotten to take my pill two days in a row but I thought, “Screw it. What are the odds I’ll become pregnant?” Here’s my answer!
What if it’s not my partner’s?
What am I talking about? My last partner was over a year ago! It’s not like the sperm of every man I’ve ever been with stays in my body for years and years, waiting to unleash on my ovaries! It’s my partner’s baby. Thank goodness.
Wait; when was my last cocktail?
Oh no! Alcohol harms a baby! I think I had wine six days ago! I hope I didn’t already mess this up.
THAT WAS MY LAST COCKTAIL
OH NO. Alcohol harms a baby. That means that that last drink was my last drink for a long time. And I didn’t even know it. I should’ve gotten way more tipsy.
Why have I even been exercising then?
I can’t believe I’ve been attacking that Pilates class at 7 am every morning when all of my efforts will just be covered up by a baby bump!
Should I tell my partner?
What am I saying? Of course, I have to tell him! He will definitely find out one way or another.
Should I tell my family?
Ugh. They’re going to be so overbearing. My mom is going to mail me one hundred parenting books and insist on coming to stay with us during my pregnancy. But yeah…I guess it would be sort of rude if I didn’t tell my family.
I already feel all maternal
You know what? I knew I was pregnant. I’ve been feeling all wise, patient and connected to earth. Yeah. I already feel maternal.
I just bought all of those cute clothes
Oh, darn! So much for the skinny jeans I just bought. So much for that bandage dress. Well, so much for the nightclubs to which I was going to wear that bandage dress.
I have an excuse to buy more cute clothes
Oh! On second thought! This is just an excuse to finally explore all of those cute maternity clothes at Target!
MY LIFE IS OVER
HOLY S*%t. I will never get to be spontaneous again. I will never get to take all of those trips I wanted to take. My career is over. My LIFE is over. Hold on hold on hold on. Plenty of celebrities are mothers and successful spokespeople, actors, dancers and career women. If they can do it so can I.
Do I need to stop working?
No, wait. That’s after the baby is born. It’s called maternity leave–not pregnancy leave.
I think that one person knew
That one person on the subway was giving me this knowing look. I wonder if she was some sort of pregnancy psychic. She knew.
Am I just supposed to get back to my day?
So now what? I’m just supposed to drive to the post office to buy stamps, and send out this memo for work, and clean out the refrigerator? I guess so. Seems a bit anticlimactic, though.
Will I be a cute pregnant lady?
I better be one of those glowing pregnant ladies who becomes like a superhero with lustrous hair and dewy skin.