“My Fiancé Started To Date Me Because I Am Not Attractive”

March 15, 2016  |  

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On quite a few occasions, I’ve heard about people who prefer to date people they find unattractive. Sometimes, it’s because they’re insecure and would prefer to be the more attractive person in the relationship because they believe that it gives them more power. Sometimes it’s because they believe being with an unattractive person means less competition. And other times, it’s because they’ve been betrayed by people they were enamored by, and they believe that dating a less attractive person will reduce their chances of being cheated on. Unfortunately, this approach to dating and relationships rarely works out and can be extremely hurtful if the so-called unattractive partner ever learns what their lover honestly thinks about them.

Recently, Reddit user UnattractiveFiancé learned that her fiancé, Darrel, whom she has been with for four years, only began dating her because he found her unattractive. Darrel, who is an old high school classmate, experienced his share of heartbreak and betrayal, so he decided that he would only date unattractive women. Darrel got drunk one night and broke down crying, which is when he confessed to UnattractiveFiancé.

“He told me that he was tired of being cheated on, tired of being hurt and betrayed, so he thought if he got with someone unattractive that it wouldn’t happen since no one would tempt me. I know what he is talking about, as his high school girlfriend was not someone known for being faithful, but he was head over heels for her. When they went to college, she cheated on him with several guys. After that, he met a woman shortly after graduating, and had lived with her for two years, and came home to find her in bed with one of his friends. Even though he fit the ‘player jock’ stereotype, he was never into casual flings and has always wanted a real relationship. He told me that as he got to know me, he saw how wonderful a person I was and grew to love me deeply. He said he is as happy as he ever was, but the guilt of why he got with me initially has been eating at him. After it hit him we were engaged, he said it started to gnaw at his stomach, the real reason we started. He continued to cry and told me he was so sorry that I deserved better, and he was being selfish for wanting to be with me after he grew to know me.”

Now, UnattractiveFiancé is heartbroken and unsure of how to move forward. While she finds herself to be “homely,” she explained that it really hurt to hear those words from the man she loves.

Her fellow Reddit users wasted no time weighing in with encouraging words and sound advice. WrongJayne believes that Darrel was a jerk for deciding to date UnattractiveFiancé for the reasons that he did, but she insists that the relationship is salvageable because although he dated her for stupid reasons, those aren’t the same reasons that he fell in love with her.

“Sure- he was a jerk, and that is a terrible reason to start dating a person. However- it was only the reason that he asked you out. It is NOT the reason he fell in love with you, and it is NOT the reason that he has been with you all this time. That is all, entirely, 100% you and your apparent awesomeness,” WrongJayne wrote.

Many other Redditors shared similar sentiments. And while, I can admit that I was initially mortified after reading UnattractiveFiancé‘s story and began to feel that there was no way this damage can be undone, after reading comments from other posters, I too believe that there’s a good chance this relationship can be repaired if they seek therapy immediately. As commenter Chauden put it, “Someone may come into our lives because of what they see, but it’s because of what they feel that they remain.”

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