Picture this. A darkened room with only the flicker of a vanilla-scented candle to illuminate it. The mood-enhancing sounds of The Weeknd play softly over the small speakers on the nightstand. Right next to the speakers are two glasses of red wine, Malbec to be exact, and a couple pieces of dark chocolate, all untouched. As we pan across to the bed, we see two people, fully-clothed on top of the covers and they are both…
Once again, it is NOT going down for these two new parents. As has been the norm over these last several months, Mommy and Daddy are too tired to even think about doing anything in bed except sleeping.
As a fairly-new mother myself, I will be the first to tell you, sex isn’t the priority it once was prior to having children. That may be TMI for some of you, but if you know me or have read my previous articles, you already know that Momma keeps it really real up in this piece. Having children definitely changes many aspects of your life and your sex life doesn’t escape unscathed. And as it turns out, and much to my comfort, I am not the only mother whose sex drive is firmly placed in park.
One friend shared that since having her second baby a few months ago, she is surprised at how difficult it is to make time for sex. She had no idea how much effort it would take to make lovemaking feel romantic and unrushed. Another friend lamented about how her desire, post baby, is less than her husband’s and the idea of scheduling lovemaking seems forced and uncomfortable.
With everything that we mothers have to do in a day, it is no wonder that we are too fried to do what it takes to ramp up our lady parts. One of my girlfriends shared that she asks her husband, whose sex drive is still intact post baby, for a few minutes to “fluff” herself when the mood strikes him. She does things like take a hot shower while rubbing sweet-smelling lotions on her skin. She also looks at her own reflection in the mirror to get herself going. Go ‘head with yo bad self, you sexy Momma you!
Another friend confided in me that her baby daughter has “replaced” her husband as this Mom’s source of touch and intimacy. She gets her fill from her child and not from her man.
I, too, can relate to this as I can’t cuddle my sons enough. My oxytocin levels are on high when it comes to my boys. By the time my husband gets home from work, I’m all cuddled out.
Then there’s yet another friend who believes that her low sex drive is due to the fact that she is still breastfeeding her toddler. When the time comes for this tired Momma to do the “do”, she sometimes has to “fake it til she makes it”. Meaning she goes through the motions initially during lovemaking until her mind and body catch up.
Whew! What are mothers (and I’m quite sure fathers as well) to do? Well, first you should know that you are normal. Ok, I can’t make that statement across the board about you, but when it comes to your diminished sex drive post baby, you, my friend, are indeed normal and not alone. Read any Mommy blog and you’re bound to see a story about this very common thing. So you can relax a bit if you’ve been feeling like the lone holdout.
Second, talk to your partner. And I mean really talk. Share with each other what you’re feeling, how it’s affecting you and devise a plan to reignite the spark that works for the both of you. Maybe you’re the type that scheduling a sex night would work for. Or perhaps you both can carve out 15 minutes of cuddling time. And please don’t forget about date nights. A night out on the town can sometimes work wonders for a tired mother’s libido. Throw in her favorite drink and a sensual massage and that bed will be rocking in no time.
Ultimately, your not wanting sex post baby is not the end of the world. Your desire will return, but it might need some time and some help from you. Don’t give up on yourself or your partner. You’ve made it this far with all of the ups and downs that new parenting can bring and with the right mindset, you will continue to thrive.
Tonight, why don’t you treat yourself to a hot shower while rubbing sweet-smelling lotions on yourself? Invite your partner to join you. What happens after that might be just the spark you both need to keep the romance poppin’.
Tomiko Fraser Hines is a mother, wife, model, actress, writer, and motivational speaker. When faced with infertility, Tomiko chose to share her story openly and honestly with the public. Born and raised in the Bronx, New York, she currently resides in Los Angeles—where she plays her most passionate role yet—mother to twins Kaden and Bryce and wife to her husband Chris. Follow Tomiko at TomikoFraserHines.com.