Reader Question: He Asked Me To Marry Him, But I Don’t Think I Can Trust Him

March 4, 2016  |  



Five years ago I met and became friends with a man from school. I was 27 and he was 43. It quickly turned into a friends with benefits scenario. A couple of months later, I became pregnant. He initially told me that he couldn’t have gotten me pregnant because he had a vasectomy but later admitted he didn’t. We still continued a sexual relationship but never advanced to a romantic relationship. When I was about 7 months pregnant, he told me he had just gotten married. We didn’t really stop having sex but it was only once in the blue moon up until our daughter turned 1 ½ years old.

At that point his wife divorced him. He said he never loved her and should have never married her. We resumed our regular sexual relationship. By this time I had started catching feelings. He said he was feeling the same way, but again, we never claimed to be in a relationship.

For my 30th birthday I decided I wanted to go on a cruise. He said he would go with me and chill with the baby. I thought, this might be a chance to let our relationship blossom. He told me he was not going to be any fun and suggested I invite one of his friends to hang and party with. I was antisocial and didn’t have any friends of my own to go so I agreed. I should have known something was up when he told me not to talk to her about me and him. Long story short, me and the girl started talking and I found out they had been dating for 2 months! I was pissed because I felt like he led me on. He got mad at me because he told me not to talk to her about us. By the way, I was not the one who brought it up. She did. They broke up during the cruise and I spent my birthday pissed off. When we got back, he claimed she exaggerated the relationship and it was not like that.

After a while, I forgave him and we became friends with benefits again. Because my current living situation was not favorable, he suggested I move in with him. I also have two other girls from someone else. All of the girls stayed in one room, he had his, and I had my own room. We were never intimate around the kids but would get together after they went to sleep. Again I started to catch feelings. We started “playing house.”
As time went on, I would start to get emotionally close to him and express how I felt and he would start to pull away. At that point I would “check myself” and hide my feelings. Then he would tell me he loved me and we should be together. When I agreed and started showing him affection, he would pull away. This turned into a viscous cycle. All the while, he has been having late night convos with various women that he claims is just his friends. He would also stay out late some night until about 1am claiming he was hanging out with his guy friends. 90% of his “friends” are female.

He is a basketball referee for school age kids and he sometimes has to go out of town for tournaments. One time he had to go out of town and he needed to rent a car but couldn’t afford to. He usually helps me out so I gave him the money to rent a car. Through some happenstance situation, I found out he had really went on a cruise with god knows who. I confronted him when he got back and he told me I was crazy and he didn’t go on a cruise. When I found a receipt for cruise ship drinks he finally admitted it. (2 months later). I never found out who it was with. At that point I decided I was done with this emotional rollercoaster. However, we stayed friends.

We had continued to live together but I decided to see other people. I met this one guy and we sort of had a relationship over the course of a year. I never hid this from my friend. In fact I would talk about my new guy with him. That fizzled out and now my friend again wants to be in a relationship. We still have a sexual relationship but I no longer have those strong feelings for him anymore.

I left my phone home the other day and asked him to bring it to my job. He admitted that before he brought it to me, he read all of the texts between me and the new guy. He even got mad at me because he asked if I had did a certain sexual act with this guy and I told him no because it wasn’t his business. Well my texts contradicted that story. He said he was pissed that I lied to him. Really?! I got mad at him because not only did he invade my privacy, he invaded the new guy’s as well.

Afterwards, he nonchalantly asked me to marry him. I still love him but I don’t think I can trust him. On the other hand, he is an awesome father not only to our daughter, but to my other girls as well. He calls them “his kids.” Through everything our friendship level never wavered. I can’t explain why. We work very well together when a relationship is off the table. We motivate each other to do better professionally and financially. I want to be married but after seeing my mom go through 4 marriages, I have always vowed when I marry someone, I will stick through thick and thin.

However, I don’t want to be that dumb chick who gets taken advantage of. Am I being too picky or too hard on him? Do you think that things would be different if we decide to have a real relationship? Or should I just run? Please help me! What should I do?

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