Are You Giving Him A Second Chance Because You’re Afraid Of Being Lonely?

March 7, 2016  |  

"woman alone pf"


I know a little something about loneliness.  I’ve dipped my toes in it, swam deep in it, ignored it (not recommended), even cursed it.  If you’re a human being, chances are you’ve felt the pang of loneliness at one point or another, too. But what exactly did you do to combat that unpleasant, hollow feeling?  Spend time with a treasured friend?  Enroll in a class to meet new people?  Seek therapy?  How about give the wrong man a second chance?  If you’re raising your hand to that last option, I’m raising mine right along with you.

There’s something about starting over that’s crushing to the ego, especially when it comes to relationships.  After all, if you’ve been hurt, the last thing you want to do is open yourself up to someone new.  The very thought of that probably instigates some combination of fear and panic, along with a string of rabbit-hole tumbling what ifs.  Considering all the work that is involved in finding someone new, it’s easy to understand how some of us might trick ourselves into returning to a bad situation simply because it’s familiar, even if it’s not right.  It might seem like an antidote to the other “l” word, but I’m here to tell you, it’s better to take the lonely route.

That doesn’t mean you should sequester yourself from human interaction.  You’re not a contagious, deadly disease. But I’m not saying that you also shouldn’t do the necessary work to combat loneliness. What I mean is that being alone or single for some time is a lot healthier than being involved with someone who isn’t right for you, especially if that person has exhibited despicable, inexcusable behavior.  You did cut him off, remember?

Returning to that perpetrator, allowing him into your physical and mental space is the equivalent of saying, “Please do me wrong.  I deserve this.”  And if you expect him to change but have encouraged him to stay the same, you’re creating a breeding ground full of confusion for the both of you.  Where’s the comfort in that?  What’s safe about allowing someone who hasn’t changed to harm you again?  It’s a recipe for heartache and psyche damage, and you are worth so much more than that.  Don’t feed into the loneliness-induced belief that you don’t deserve better or won’t find better.

Not to mention, giving the wrong man who hasn’t changed and who gives not a single damn a second chance just because you feel lonely is an invitation to more loneliness.  Ain’t that some mess?  That’s what makes loneliness such a complex, tricky beast.  You can be in a relationship and feel abandoned.  You can be in the middle of having sex and feel empty.  And yes, you can be alone and feel lonely.  So what’s the point in extending a dead-end relationship past its expiration date?  Why complicate what you’re experiencing by bringing in additional feelings that you’re clearly not ready to handle?  Your loneliness was a single ingredient recipe, and now you’ve added anger to the pot.  Stirred in some resentment, added a little disappointment.  And maybe a little disgust.  Now you’ve got more problems to deal with, more work to do, and you feel lonelier than ever before.  Doesn’t feel very wholesome, does it?

The only way to fill the void of loneliness is to do some emotional homework.  Show up for yourself.  Understand your triggers, if you have any.  Partake in activities that make you feel whole, connected and engaged.  Being with the wrong person for the sake of being with someone is a lonely, misguided endeavor that, contrary to your intentions, will almost always end in disaster.  Stop feeding yourself such emptiness.  Wouldn’t you rather be by yourself than partake in a dead-end relationship?

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