15 Things That Suck About Going To The Gynecologist

January 26, 2016  |  
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Remember when you were a little kid and going to the dentist meant taking home a toy from the treasure chest in the waiting area? Or going to the doctor meant getting a lollipop (and usually your parent would treat you to your favorite junk food after)? Somebody needs to give us a toy for going to the gynecologist because there is nothing fun about that! Here are 15 things that suck about going to your gynecologist.

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You’re recently single

Gyno: “Are you sexually active?” You: “Not currently.” Gyno: “Troubles in the relationship?” You: “No more relationship. Damn. That’s the first time I’ve said that out loud.”

 

 

 

 

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All the pregos

If you want to hear your biological clock turn up really loud, just sit among all the very pregnant women in the gynecologist’s waiting room.

 

 

 

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Wondering if your vagina is weird

My gyno sees so many vaginas. Does he think mine looks weird? How does mine hold up against all of these other vaginas in here? I’m going to do some last minute kegels just in case.

 

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Waiting room small talk

Some women might just be there for their annual pap smear, sure, but some might be there to check on cancerous cells. Commenting on the cover of People seems inappropriate then.

 

 

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The pap

Speaking of pap smears, those suck! Having cold tools stuck up inside of us and our vagina cranked open like a part of a car.

 

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Your shaving job

For some reason you become painfully aware of your landscaping down there. Does he think you’re weird because you go bald? Does he think you’re behind the times because you don’t?

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The silence

Your gynecologist asks you very personal questions like about how often you have sex, how many partners you have, whether or not you’re using condoms and what kind of sex you’re having and then he just silently ticks off little boxes.

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That jelly

That jelly they use to do your pap and other exams—that stuff doesn’t really come out of you for days.

 

 

 

 

 

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Your questions

Questions like, “Where exactly can edible lubricant go? Asking for a friend.”

 

 

 

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That plastic vagina mold

God—is THAT what we look like? And I let someone go down there? When I’m all spread eagle? Gulp.

 

 

 

 

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Your partner’s questions

Either you sneak around, make up some other appointment you had and don’t tell your partner you went to the gynecologist, or you tell him, and face his questions. Like, “Is everything okay down there?” And you face the fact that it feels like doesn’t believe that everything is okay down there.

 

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Your partner’s lack of questions

Or, when you tell your partner you were at the gyno he just says, “That’s nice. Should we defrost those steaks?” Gee. Thanks for caring!!!

 

 

 

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When you forgot to avoid this food

“Oh CRAP. I ate asparagus today. And curry. Sorry, doc!”

 

 

 

 

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The after-pap queef

Nothing pushes air up there like prongs and tongs and wooden sticks and rubber gloves. Right before you ask your gyno very revealing questions, you sit up and let out a queef. And you both just pretend it didn’t happen.

 

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That one mess up…

You know the one you wanted to forget about and prayed for forgiveness for? That one time you didn’t use a condom with that one night sand you met at Cabo Cantina? Ugh. You have to tell your gyno about it.

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