Should Regular Folks Keep Their Marriages On The Hush Like J Cole?
For months, rumors have been swirling about J Cole and his engagement to longtime girlfriend Melissa Heholt. And then they died down, leaving all of his fans and fanatics with a little bit of hope that he was still, technically, on the market.
But yesterday, we learned that that is not the case.
While Cole and director Ryan Cooler were celebrating Dr. King’s dream at the MLKNow event, many women had theirs crushed.
In case you missed the moment, you can watch it in the video above where Coogler asked the rapper how being married has changed him.
Wait, what?! The last we heard, he was questionably engaged. And now we learn that he’s married?
The news left our heads spinning trying to catch up.
Once I let it soak in, the whole thing made sense. The only thing we’ve known for certain about J Cole’s relationship is that he’s been in one from the time he was in college. And that’s it. Mind you, there are pages and pages of speculation about their relationship and his cheating on Lipstick Alley; but the facts are they met in college. Period.
For someone whose relationship will be viewed under a microscope, speculated and whispered about, the notion of keeping it secret seems cautious, protective, smart. Not only do people assume most celebrity men can’t be faithful, there are plenty of people who will root for public relationships to fail.
And that brings me to the regular folk. Are there benefits to keeping your wedding and your marriage low key? Certainly.
And here are just a few.
Maintains its sanctity
There’s the wedding and then there’s the marriage. And more often than not, the preparation and planning for a wedding becomes such a monster that the marriage, the entire purpose of the wedding, seems to take a backseat. When you marry secretly, whether you elope or keep the guest list to a minimum, you don’t have to consider the opinions, wishes and critiques of others.
If people don’t know you’re getting married, if there are no social media announcements, there will be fewer people, random people, asking for invitations, attempting to bring cousins you’ve never met who will be there talking about the food you so painstakingly selected and paid for.
I don’t want to make a habit out of agreeing with Future. But even a broken clock is right twice a day. And though the rapper’s argument was a bit illogical, he said that he wanted to marry Ciara privately, so that when the tabloids learned about their nuptials, they would have made it past the newlywed stage. Now, considering the fact that Future and Ciara literally promoted their relationship, I’m going to call B.S. But for those who haven’t appeared on red carpets, tattooed the other’s initial or publicly referred to their partner as royalty, then the idea of doing the grunt work out of the public eye might not be such a bad idea. Depending on who you ask, the first year as a married couple can either be fun and exciting or a shock to the system. But everyone agrees that it is an adjustment. While you’re transitioning into the role you plan to hold for the rest of your life, it might be nice to do so without the prying eyes of others.
Keeps your business your own
When we’re in love, we have a tendency to want to declare it. If you’ve seen Mean Girls, you know about word vomit. You might want to keep certain details or the entire relationship to yourself but as you’re speaking, things just keep flying out. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But it also invites wandering eyes into one of your most private, most intimate relationships. As joyous and celebratory as weddings can be, they can be just as special if they’re shared between the two people who will ultimately have to work to keep the union strong.