Serious Question: Are You Properly Wiping Before Sex?

December 2, 2015  |  

Instagram documents our day-to-day lives and the amusement that comes with it. It also serves as a place  for people to complain, rejoice or share comical stories about sex mishaps. Case in point, this morning I logged onto the app and was hit with the meme below at the top of my feed.

As I collected myself from screaming and almost choking on my water, the meme reminded me why my mother believes every woman should carry baby wipes in the event your significant other and you have a random sexual encounter. Unfortunately, this meme is a result of many of us being “caught up in the moment” and forgetting about that afternoon case of the bubble guts at work. Although I wish this pressing issue happened only occasionally, it appears it does not. In fact, there are dozens of memes floating around the internet, captioning various sex acts being interrupted by pieces of toilet tissue, precariously hanging from a partner’s genital or anal region. This leads me to ask: Are people using the wrong toilet paper or just not wiping properly?

If you’re in the former category, it might be time to let the 99 cent tissue paper go and invest in a product that won’t leave embarrassing reside behind in your nether regions. According to a 2013 Consumer Reports study, Walmart’s White Cloud, Great Value Ultra Strong and Quilted Northern Ultra Plush are the top three toilet tissues, ranked high in softness and thickness. The worst toilet paper to stick in there is reportedly CVS’s Earth Essentials, Whole Foods’ 365 Everyday Value and Walgreen’s Big Roll. The toilet papers were tested with machinery and “sensory panelists” based on the following criteria: strength, tearing ease, softness, and disintegration. HowToWipeYourButt.com reports that although many environment-conscious people may choose eco-friendly toilet paper, it may be too rough on their posteriors. The site highly recommends softer tissues that have aloe and Vitamin E in them, as well. Sounds nice and smooth doesn’t it?

As for wiping, use “moderate pressure and wipe at a cautious speed from front to back. Continue with this step, using the same size wad of tissue, until the amount of remnants on the paper decreases by fifty percent.” Personally, I don’t believe in using small amounts of toilet paper to wipe your anus. I think a fresh wad of toilet paper should also be used per two wipes in order to see if  fecal remnants  decrease. Further, if you know your significant other is coming home or visiting your place,  I highly suggest you shower before they arrive for extra backup, if you know what I mean. If you’re not at home and can’t shower, use my mother’s advice and purchase baby wipes to ensure nothing halts your intimate moments. Always and Summer’s Eve even offer portable wipes you can carry in your bag to make sure you always stay ready to get it in at a moment’s notice.

 

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