Are You The Worst Couple In The Apartment Complex?
Are you and your man having trouble making friends in your apartment building? It could be because you’re the worst couple in the building. Here are some signs.
You have an annoying Wi-Fi network name
Like “KevinAndJill4Eva” or “UpstairsSexAddicts.” Every time your neighbors pull up their network, they have to see that. Every time their guests use their Internet, they have to explain that.
You fight loudly
There should be a law that you have to have a totally smooth, problem-free relationship to move into a place where you share walls with other people. The rest of you angry couples can go live in the middle of nowhere. Thank you.
You yell across the apartment
“Babe! Babe? Babe! Baaaaaaaabe! Oh! Just saying hi.”
When you leave the apartment…
Now the yelling has moved to the hallway: “Babe! Don’t forget the keys to the mailbox. Oh babe, babe, babe…we should bring the trash out. Can you grab that? You know what? I need a jacket. I’ll meet you downstairs.” OH MY GOD WHY.
You desperately want couple friends
You relentlessly court the other couples in the building to be your couple friends. They don’t want that. Now they peek out into the hallway to make sure you’re not around before leaving their apartments.
You walk around naked
You’re one of those couples who just never gets dressed again after having sex. You microwave popcorn at the open window in your underwear and zit cream.
You set the smoke alarm off constantly
You’re one of those couples who is into cooking something new every night. This inevitably leads to the smoke alarm going off at least twice a week and waking everybody up. Oh good. The yelling has begun again. “Babe! Open a window!”
You host too often
You like to pretend this is your house in the suburbs (even though it’s a studio apartment in a 24 unit complex), so you host dinner parties every week. Loud dinner parties with guests who knock on the wrong doors when they’re lost.
You have sex loudly
Your neighbors have to try to enjoy their omelets over the sounds of your groaning. Oh yeah; your neighbors have kids to whom they have to explain this groaning.
You exchange bathroom stories
Your neighbors need to hear you two tell each other about the hurricane you just created in the toilet.
You snuck a pet in
You want to practice parenthood, so you adopted a dog. You’re not technically allowed to have a dog in the building, though, and you leave him home all day to bark and bug everybody.
You hog the laundry machines
You think it’s a fun couple’s activity to save up all of your laundry and do it together, with beer and snacks, at the same time.
You won’t stop decorating
So enormous deliveries of new blinds and end tables and cabinet doors keep showing up. Your packages are blocking the hallway.
You want to chat about your problems
When you get into a fight with your partner, you hang out in the hallway waiting for a neighbor to walk by so you can cry to him.
You try to play matchmaker
You keep trying to set up your single neighbors. Now they, too, have to peek outside before going into the hallway.