The 9 Worst Times To Get Your Period
Donald Trump’s comment about Fox News moderator, Megyn Kelly’s, period sparked a resurgence of period activism in retaliation to The Donald’s rude comment. Not to discredit the merits of the Period Pride movement, but can we be real for a second and recall just how s-h-i-t-t-y menstruation can be, particularly when it creeps up on you like a quiet Prius! Let’s remind ourselves of some of the worst times to get your period:
1. Anytime you’re wearing white bottoms
I’d argue that many of us who do have periods are not quite at the same stage of period acceptance as the famed Period Runner who bled freely while she ran the entire London Marathon without a tampon. I can’t claim to be so cool as to casually shrug off a huge red blotch on my pants, especially white pants where even the tiniest of drops would be visible.
2. In the middle of REM sleep
I take sleep very seriously, so suffice it to say that I become enraged when I’m awoken from my slumber by a damp sensation on my thighs and my PJ pants look like I’ve been stabbed in the vagina several times. What follows is an impromptu 3 am laundry task because you know that shit’s gonna stain if you don’t tend to it immediately.
3. Just before a planned sexy weekend
Another name that I give to my period on occasion is Ultimate Cock Blocker. For those of us who aren’t into “sex on the rag” you know what I mean. You flush away the sexual fantasies you’d conjured up in your head for the exotic weekend escape you’d planned with your boo and instead settle for a sexless weekend of snorkeling. I’ve tried several home remedies that allegedly shorten the duration: like drinking red raspberry tea and furiously exercising… they haven’t worked.
4. During sex
Ever get your period while you were having sex? Total mood killer. Imagine that you’re getting it on with your man; all is well until things start to feel a little too moist down there. A look of sheer horror creeps across your man’s face as he blankly stares at his bloodied penis. He’s motionless, speechless and looks at you with an accusatory eye as if to say, “How could you do this to my penis!” You blab the first words that come to your mind which are, “You won’t die!” And then sigh because you know this means yet another impromptu laundry task. True story.
5. When you’re hungover
You already feel like death and then you get your period. Talk about kicking a horse while it’s down! With a pounding head and paralyzing abdominal cramps, you know that it’s going to be a long day.
6. When the only change room facility is a porta potty
Changing menstrual gear is a delicate procedure, ideally performed in a calm and spacious environment: one in which you feel comfortable to sit and take your time to handle your business. Porta potties, on the other hand, are the very antithesis of calm and spacious. When you enter a port-potty, the objective is pretty much to get the hell out as fast as possible – no number 2s… which unfortunately is something that can’t always be controlled when menstruating.
7. On a long-haul flight
The intensity of strange smells in an aeroplane cabin is directly proportional to the flight duration. Even people not on their periods start to smell ripe on one of those 18-hour flights, what more then for someone continually bleeding into a piece of cotton. Period odor is relentless when the last shower you took was close to 24 hours ago. There is no amount of tampon/ pad/ cup changing or deodorant that will fully mask the funk that wafts from beneath. As if that’s not bad enough, all you want is to be horizontal with a hot water bottle on your belly but you have to make-do with the economy seats that only recline a couple of inches.
8. On Your Wedding Night
Though they say most couples don’t get it in on their wedding night anyway, for those who waited for that moment to first have sex I can’t think of anything worse than having mother nature come in between your love making.
9. When you weren’t prepared
Let’s be honest, while some women track their periods with apps and calendars a lot of us are just winging it. We may have a general idea of when Aunt Flo is coming, but when she actually arrives there’s a good chance we might not have what we need to deal with her. And that could mean a mess if the flow is heavy.