When It Hurts So Bad: Dealing With An Unexpected Breakup

October 5, 2015  |  

Sometimes we can tell when our relationship is coming to an end.

If you’re in a long-term relationship, the things you once found endearing quickly become annoying. You start to see qualities and traits in your partner that you don’t like. And eventually, you realize that you have no idea how to deal with everything. The endless arguments without a resolution. The feelings of being trapped. You want out.

But what happens when you don’t see a breakup coming?

You had convinced yourself that you were so deep in love that you didn’t realize what you thought was a relationship was just one-sided infatuation. You thought you were growing and going places, but the only person who seemed to be moving was you. So how do you cope with a breakup when you thought things were going good, and you have no idea as to why they fell apart? Most will tell you that in time, things will get better. That’s true! But right now you’re left trying to pick up the pieces and hoping to figure out what went wrong. And that’s normal.

Lose Grip

Sometimes you have to let your emotions consume you, even if that means hitting rock bottom. It’s common for people to try to make sense of what happened and it’s okay to want answers. But sometimes you have to be okay with not getting closure. Allow yourself to run through and replay your entire relationship in your mind, talk to friends, and if you must, binge on Ben & Jerry’s for a day. That’s okay too. It’s all a part of the coping process. But it’s also important to know that once you’ve allowed yourself to get it all out and hit rock bottom, you shouldn’t plan on staying there. Coping is a healthy form of recovery, but once it turns obsessive, it’s no longer healthy and it’s time to pick yourself back up and start finding those simple joys in your life again.

Make A Connection

The first thing most of us do when grieving is to isolate ourselves. We shut down from everything and everyone partially because pride won’t allow us to let people see us that vulnerable, but also because taking flight is one of our basic instincts and defense mechanisms to protect ourselves. While it might help to have a crying session by yourself, it’s even more helpful to have someone close by to help you cope. I’ve learned to surround myself with love whenever I’m hurting because I can always count on my friends for a good laugh, a good conversation, and a good story to ease my mind. If you neglected friends during your relationship, it’s time to reconnect. Trust me, they won’t shut you out.

Pick A Hobby

There is life after a breakup, and it’s your job to rediscover it. Do something you’ve never done before or pick something you used to love and want to try again. Take a cooking class, become a gym rat, sign up for a free photography class–anything. Exploring new things, setting new goals and allowing yourself new experiences is a healthy distraction, but it’s also an opportunity for personal development. It’s a win-win situation.

Accept It

I remember experiencing my first unexpected breakup. It took me a while to get over it, and I honestly didn’t think I would. Things were going so well between us and out of nowhere it all just fell apart. No amount of excuses, apologies and reasoning could give me the closure I wanted until I had to learn just to accept everything for what it was. It was over, and I needed to move on. I had to be okay. And once I started accepting that and rediscovering life as a single woman, it took less time to heal.

I’ve learned that the best way to deal with any breakup is to keep on living through it. You’ll continue to love and want love, and you’ll find it soon enough. As for your defunct relationship, you may never know why it ended the way that it did. Be okay with that. It just means better is on the horizon.

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