Why “Looking” For A Spouse Doesn’t Work

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Being back on the dating scene, I have heard some variance of the phrase “I am looking for a husband” many times.  Theoretically, it makes perfect sense.  Almost everyone I have dated is north of thirty; and if not, it’s right around the corner or next door.  This is around the age when people typically begin to settle down.  Personally, I love a woman who knows what she wants and lives by the mantra that you should “begin with the end in mind.”

However, whenever the “I’m looking for a spouse” phrase comes up –almost always in casual conversation — I immediately think to myself Yep, that mindset may play a role in why you’re single.

More often than not, people who have been married and divorced or widowed don’t see things that way.  Whether it worked out or not, one has completed courtship.  They could have been lousy husbands or wives.  However, they have met someone, had the chance to get to know them, dated, and in time, were convinced that they should spend their lives together.  They know how to do it; it’s just a matter of when and who they align themselves with.

Second, one is already starting off in the hole.  This mindset connotes that you’re using tunnel vision.  There are expectations, “checklists” of things that one is looking for that aligns with what they like or dislike, etc.  One can’t possibly see someone from an objective standpoint with all that in the back of their mind. Because you’re not looking with an open mind, you’ve already eliminated many possibilities.

I say this all of the time: Men are bloodhounds.  There is something in our wiring that just knows certain things based on a vibe one is giving off.  Insecurities might as well be tattooed on foreheads.  I want to say it’s the equivalent to women’s intuition.  We already know. So saying the phrase “I’m looking for a spouse” is the equivalent of saying to someone “I want to have sex” on the first date. Duh! Nine times out of 10, you’re dating someone you’d consider having sex with. We get it.

However, actually saying it is a huge turnoff.  There’s no subtlety, no chase.  It would just throw everything off, and all parties involved will be keeping that in mind whenever they are around each other.

I don’t think “I’m looking for a spouse” is a terrible way of thinking. It’s a fact for many. It’s just that flawed.  The approach is the opposite of almost everything that being a good spouse really is.  “I’m looking for a spouse” is selfish.  One is looking for love instead of looking to love. Focus on what you can provide to be the ideal partner to and for someone else, not only what someone else can do and give.  What winds up happening is that people will continuously work on becoming and perfecting the best versions of themselves.  Then, there will be no need to look because that person will find you.

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