An Ode To The Beard: What Is It About Facial Hair That Makes A Man So…Scrumptious?

August 13, 2015  |  

Whether a man’s rocking a goatee, a mustache or a full-on beard, there’s something about facial hair that can make us believe he is stronger, smarter, even more attractive than his clean-shaven colleagues.  In honor of its mysterious allure, I was compelled to pen this ode to the beard and its charming counterparts.


Dear Facial Hair,

Here’s looking at you, close-cut goatee and freshly coiffed beard.  For far too long we’ve underestimated your prowess, your unique ability to make the toughest among us swoon.  So I’m giving you your just props.  To you I say, “Bravo!  Job well done. Thank you.”

Let’s be honest here: You’re the best accessory a man can have.  You’re like a secret weapon, a head-turning visibility cloak.  Your charm is undeniable, and when maintained well, your shiny mane can make a girl weak at the knees.  A real-life Axe commercial, you transform an average-looking Joe into a king.  You’re the best kind of upgrade: self-imposed and free of charge.  Distinguished, cool, suave, you can also turn an already attractive man into head-shaking, “that ain’t right,” Adonis-level fineness.  Idris knows what I’m about talking about.  Yes, he does.  So does Will Smith, Boris Kodjoe, Omari Hardwick…I could go on, but I’ll spare you the lengthy list.

Oh, and don’t think I haven’t noticed what you’ve done for Drake.  You’ve adorned him with next-level swag.  It’s the beard that inspired hashtags and had women the world over yelling “Cleanup on aisle three!”  Not that he was tow up from the floor up before, but now we see Drake in a whole new light.  It’s like he grew up overnight into a distinguished gentleman, shedding the baby face and youthfulness of his Degrassi past.  Glorious.  We have you to thank for that.  Those new muscles of his don’t hurt either, but once again, I’ll spare you.

Classic man of the Jidenna kind, I hope your popularity spreads like wildfire.  Whether speckled with a smidgen of gray or one unchanging color, your presence helps guys embrace their manliness and put effort into the way they present themselves to the world.  Mucho classy.

Lip framer, your hypnotic lure is the magic that spawns poems and love letters.  This here ode.  If scientific studies have been conducted to test the perceived attractiveness and health of men with facial hair, then I don’t doubt that songs have been written about you as well.  And rightfully so.  One glimpse of a man with a nice, clean goatee or beard can get me singing “Can you woo woo wooooo.”  That, or I take a page out of Matthew McConaughey’s book and say to myself, Alright, alright, alright.

Soft to the touch, you stake your claim like a boss and make no apologies for it.  Nor should you.  You don’t cross the line to the point of no return unlike the facial hair of the spotty, barely there kind.  It’s not his fault, but unfortunate is the man who cannot grow the facial hair of his choosing.

Let’s not forget the overgrown forests masquerading as beards. The kind that make a man look like he’s been in hiding for the last umpteen years.  It’s not my cup of tea, but the free-flowing, wandering nomad look – for some, it’s steeped in religion and culture, for others, it’s just something they wanted to try – proves that variety is indeed the spice of life.  And it’s all about how you rock it and make it yours.  Special shout-out to the mustache, especially the curlicue kind.  Your hipsterdom has raised many an eyebrow, but your newfound resurgence has made people think twice about you.  In a good way.  A very good way.

“Don’t know how you do the voodoo that you do,” but clearly, you do it well.  So take a bow for your so-fresh-and-so-clean goatee, beard, and mustache grooming self.  You have both my attention and appreciation.


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