Single Girl Struggle: Learn the Lessons, Even from the Losers
Have you learned any lessons from the losers of your past? Even the guys who wasted your time and broke your heart were sent to teach you something.
Because I believe so strongly in being a lifelong learner, I’m always looking for the lessons within my life.
Why am I experiencing___ ?
Why did I meet ___?
Why did I have to go through ___?
There’s always a lesson to be learned. Some big idea that you’re supposed to take into the next phase of your life. So, after each failed relationship I had to evaluate my role in it all. What energy was I giving off to attract such crazy encounters? What type of vibes was I sending out to connect with particular people?
You have to take a moment to think about it.
Really think about it.
What did your ex teach you about you? What new things did you learn about yourself through your experience with him that you can take into the next relationship? If you never give yourself a break and explore your contribution to the craziness, you’re going to have a pretty hard time recognizing the real thing.
When I first met my man, he’d say “you wouldn’t recognize a good man if he was standing right in front of you.” Unfortunately, he was right because that good guy (him) stood in front of me for almost four years before I recognized him. But when I got myself together, really applied a new way of thinking to every aspect of my life and trusted myself enough to try it again, I was ready to recognize him.
Whether you want to admit it or not, there are several facts you’re going to have to face if you want to set a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. Before entering a new relationship or even getting back in the dating game, ask yourself:
Am I over my ex?
If you’re holding on to baggage from a past relationship, you’re sabotaging your chance at love the next time around. If you haven’t cleared your space (mental/emotional space) then you’re going to take those same attitudes, behaviors and insecurities into the next relationship. This is why so many women end up going through the exact same issues with new men, YOU are the common denominator so until you’ve released the baggage that’s been keeping love out you’re going to give your new guy a hard time. Does he deserve to suffer for your ex’s mistakes?
What did I learn about love/relationships as a child?
This one is SO important, yet we typically fail to even consider asking it. The experiences that you had with love and relationships as a child literally build the foundation for your adult relationships. If you saw mommy and daddy arguing all the time or picked up unhealthy habits from either one of them, you’re probably displaying the same behavior with your guy. If you saw a loving relationship in a healthy home, chances are you have the tools to create your own healthy home. You owe it to yourself to take a step back and evaluate the values you were taught as a child. What habits did you pick up from your parents? What did they tell you about dating, sex, love and marriage? If you didn’t pick up any healthy advice from them, it’s time to create a new understanding of love.
What unhealthy habits do I need to let go of before entering a relationship?
What habits have you “been meaning to” get rid of? Until you are 100 percent happy with the person you’ve become, you’re going to have a pretty hard time being happy with someone else. Don’t wait until your new man complains about you smoking cigarettes if you know you want to quit now. Don’t wait to start making healthy changes in your life. The sooner you get started, the better you’ll feel and the more confident you’ll become and we all know that confidence attracts men!
Am I truly ready to share my life with someone?
Being single (especially if you’re childless) allows you to be pretty selfish. You don’t have anyone to answer to, anyone’s opinion to consider and you can pretty much do whatever you feel like. When your man comes along, he’s going to demand a lot of time, energy and attention. You might as well get yourself ready for that now. What changes can you make right now that will help make the transition from independence to interdependence a little more smooth?
If you want love, you better be willing to work for it. There is absolutely no reason why you haven’t been on a date in YEARS. If you want a relationship, you’ve got to be ready to get ready for it. If you aren’t, your circumstances will never change.
The moment you decide to take a chance on love and actually make the changes needed to manifest your man is the moment you’ll begin attracting better.
Koereyelle Dubose is the founder of TheSingleWivesClub.com