“Stop! In the Name of Love:” Exit Toxic Relationships Now!
Often times we get stuck in habits we feel could turn around for the better… and sometimes they don’t. We loved one mother’s story on getting past our comfort zones and often crippling mindsets in love. Janice Fuller-Roberts gives her earned wisdom for SexySingleMommy as we share her story below.
If you’re still with him because you’re convinced he’s going to change or that things will get better if you just “stick it out”, then you need to stop.
I mean it.
Stop thinking that once y’all get married, he’ll stop cheating on you. Stop thinking that if you lose 20 pounds, he’ll stop insulting you. Stop thinking that if you have his baby, he’ll leave his wife and marry you. Stop thinking that with a little more time, he’ll stop taking you for granted. Stop it.
I don’t know how, why or when we women got bamboozled into thinking that we have the power to change any man. Who first told us that lie? And when did we start believing it?
You can’t change a man, ever!
Do men change? Yes, they do. Do some men even change because of a woman? I’m sure some do. But when men change, it’s because they want to change. Men change when they feel like changing. Women don’t change men. Men change themselves.
So stop trying so hard to change the man you’re with and go out and find the right man for you! Stop settling for less than what you deserve in the hopes that it’ll get better, because it won’t.
I know, I know. That’s easier said than done. I get it. I’ve been there. I even have the T-shirt and the travel mug.
But for real. As women, we have got to do better when it comes this. We’ve got to realize that the only way to get the right love is to first love ourselves enough to accept nothing less than what we really want. We have to stop settling for the first guy who gives us attention or calls us pretty or turns us out in bed. We have to stop putting up with disrespectful treatment just so that we can say we have a man.
In fact, we have got to stop convincing ourselves that having a piece of a man is better than having no man at all! I wholeheartedly challenge that notion, if for no other reason than that piece of a man may be standing in the way of the real man you’re supposed to have!
It all comes down to self-love, Sisters. The more you love yourself, the less willing you’ll be to put up with bullsh*t. Because when you truly love yourself, then the notion of being single isn’t so bad at all. In fact, when you love yourself enough, being single is far more preferable to being with someone who isn’t right!
Now I know some of you are thinking that I’m being too harsh. Some may even think I’m not considering the women with men who are still growing and learning, etc. I need to cut the brothers a little slack, you say. Some guys need you to hang with them while they figure their lives out and get the stuff together.
I’ve got nothing against the man who’s actively working on bettering himself and his situation. In fact, I’m not even talking about those men! I’m not talking about the guy who’s working, going to school and doing all he can do to make a better life for himself.
I’m talking about the dude who SAYS he’s working on bettering himself, but is really just laying around YOUR house, eating YOUR food, using YOUR electricity, and driving YOUR car while you’re out humping 40-50 hours a week to put food on the table.
Now, if he’s doing that, but spending most of the day online looking for work or taking classes; and when you come home, dinner is cooked, the house is clean and he’s treating you like a queen; and he’s taken your car to have it serviced, washed and detailed … than I have no problem with that. But look closely. Is that what he’s really doing?
Because if you have to come home and cook, clean and take care of his triflin’ a**, then Houston, we have a problem! This dude isn’t the one you stay with while he’s on the “come up”, because this dude will bring you down. This is the dude who will sap your youth, drain your dreams and leave you with nothing but a wrecked car, bad credit and quite possibly an STD.
And I’m not just talking about guys with no ambition, either. I’m talking about guys who cheat on you, disrespect you, don’t support you, constantly insult you and flat out won’t ever marry you. I’m talking about the ones who never call when they say they’re going to call, and when they do call it’s for a Booty Call. I’m talking about the ones you only hear from after 2:00 a.m. when they’re drunk. I’m talking about the ones who borrow your car, your credit card, and your laptop, but never offer to pay for gas or a bill. I’m talking about the ones you cook for but never buys you any groceries.
Ladies, you deserve so much better than that!
I know that leaving any relationship is hard, even ones that suck. But for the sake of your future happiness, I implore you to do it. Get out! Leave him!
Yes, it’s rough out here alone. But when you love yourself enough, being single doesn’t mean you’ll be lonely. When you love yourself enough, being single is a gift that you give yourself until the RIGHT one comes along.
Here are some steps you can take right now to rid yourself of your toxic, unhealthy relationship:
- Be honest with yourself. Evaluate your relationship realistically. Is it a balanced relationship, where your needs are being met as often as your partner’s? Do you feel loved, honored and respected? Are your dreams supported? Are you physically and emotionally safe in this relationship?
- Do an honest appraisal of what you bring to the relationship. What do you bring to the table? You’ll probably be surprised by how much value you add to your relationship.
- Remind yourself, at least two or three times a day, why you deserve only the very best in your life. If you have to, look in the mirror and recite affirmations about your strengths, gifts and beauty.
For the rest of Janice’s steps to walk away from toxic relationships head over to TheSexySingleMommy,
MommyNoire, When do you know it’s time to leave a relationship?