At 29 years old, I realized that I’ve never truly experienced love before.
Sure, I’ve been in relationships. I was even engaged, and I never knew what I was doing. I never knew how to truly love someone else because I hadn’t yet figured out how to love myself. It wasn’t until I let God lead my life that I finally started recognizing real love and got to experience real love. And let me tell you, it was SO hard to let go and let someone love me because I couldn’t even recognize it as love. In fact, I thought it was annoying so I fought it. I fought it so hard that I had to spend some serious time with my coach to wrap my mind around it.
My aha moment came when I realized that I already had everything I was searching for. I had someone who truly cared about me, who showed me he loved me and didn’t just say it. Everything I said I needed, even the things I wanted were already there. Yet, I was still reading books, searching for answers and hoping for a husband when I realized he was right up under my nose the entire time. I couldn’t see it for what it was because he didn’t “show up” the way I expected. He didn’t show up to be my husband, he showed up to be my friend. He’s been my friend for three years, always there to listen to my ideas, support my dreams and even give me advice for how to deal with the men I was dating. He was there for me whenever I needed him, with no questions asked. There was nothing he wasn’t willing to do. He saw more for my life than I could see and he helped me to recognize my true potential and power. He loves me in a way that I didn’t know was possible, love with no contingencies. Pure, unconditional love.
Now that I’ve experienced pure love, I realize that I’m not the only one who had things mixed up. Society has created an unhealthy expectation for relationships and social media doesn’t help. As little girls, we watched Disney movies that always ended with a princess being swept off her feet and riding off into the sunset with Prince Charming. He was handsome, well dressed, sweet and super rich. Sounds perfect, right?
Well, the reality is, things don’t always go that smoothly and they damn sure don’t always end with happily ever after. Fairytales have failed us. They’ve given us unrealistic expectations of love that most men will never live up to.
So, now that you’re all grown up and single as hell WHAT DO YOU DO?
The only thing you can do is create new expectations. You have to learn the difference between Prince Charming and Mr. Right. You see, Prince Charming will charm your socks (and panties) right off by saying all the right things and forget that he actually has to do the right things. Mr. Right on the other hand is all about action. He will prove his love and loyalty without question and he’ll do what it takes to attain and sustain his Queen.
I’m no different than any of you. I fell for the fairytale fantasy myself. I almost married Prince Charming, until I realized he wasn’t Mr. Right. I got caught up in appearances because I was focused on all the wrong things and it wasn’t until I reevaluated my values that I recognized the error of my ways. I realized what I thought was love was really infatuation. I realized I’d spent my time focusing on boys who looked good but weren’t good for me.
THE MAN FOR YOU WILL BE GOOD FOR YOU.
Although all men are different, there are certain things that ANY man who’s truly interested in you will do. He will:
SPEND TIME WITH YOU– Any man who’s interested in establishing something real will want to spend time getting to know you, by courting you..real dates, real effort, no excuses.
TAKE CARE OF YOU– I don’t mean just financially, any man who’s interested in you will want to know that you are taken care of. He will go out of his way to make sure you’re ok.
PROTECT YOU– It’s a man’s natural instinct to protect his woman. This is the foundation of the male/female relationship.
CONTRIBUTE TO YOU– If you are pouring your energy into a new business or working toward a goal, your man will want to support and build it with you.
MAKE YOU HAPPY– A man who’s after your heart will go to great lengths to ensure your happiness.
REAL relationships have nothing to do with super cute USIES, Facebook relationship statuses or Instagram love. My man and I don’t spend all day text messaging each other. We aren’t possessive of one another and we don’t feel pressure to behave a certain way because of what other people think nor do we feel he need to keep up appearances. We do what feels good to us. We have fun with one another and we go with the flow. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not perfect. But we’re perfect for one another. He teaches me things I didn’t even know I didn’t know (LOL!) He shows me new ways to do things and gives me new ways to think about things. He doesn’t wait on me hand and foot or buy me expensive gifts to prove his love, but he makes sure every need is met without question. He does the things that matter, not the superficial things that I once thought were important. He’s truly my partner and that is what I really needed. So, what is it that you need? I mean, really and truly NEED?
Today I want to challenge you to reevaluate your expectations and set a new intention for love. REAL relationships have nothing to do with appearances, they have nothing to do with flexing on Instagram and they have nothing to do with what other people think. Take action by creating a list of the things that really matter, the things you actually need. Consider the experiences you want to share with your man, the way you want to be treated, the value he adds to your life. Focus on your priorities vs your preferences.
Click here to find out the hard lesson I had to learn and then take a moment to set new intentions for love. 2015 is YOUR year for love and I’m so excited to be a part of your journey!
Koereyelle DuBose is the Founder & CEO of The Single Wives Club.