Since we last spoke of my online dating quest, I decided to re-open my OK Cupid account. My inbox was full of messages–from candidates unworthy of a response, or my time in general for one reason or another. Granted, some of these men were handsome, but from their profile or initial message I got the feeling they–to put it lightly–were clowns. During the past week I also had a moment of clarity, I realized to a degree I had been in a state of denial. For the past few months I had been “chatting” with an old friend. What brought on the reconnection, I would say, was sheer boredom. I liked to believe we were just friends who talked on the phone, and occasionally hung out together, but in actuality, we were indeed dating.
Why was I in denial about this?
I’m glad you asked. I didn’t like him. I knew the instant we laid eyes on each other he was interested, and I wasn’t AT ALL. I’m not a jerk so despite my feelings I held a polite conversation with him. We discussed our interests, and my desire to delve deeper into investing. Surprisingly, he knew what seemed to be a lot about investment, and stocks which left me under the impression my initial judgment may have been off.
I quickly realized I wasn’t wrong, but he already had my number and I felt there was no way out. We talked for a while and I kept him at arms length by running down my packed schedule, or claiming not to have a babysitter whenever he invited me out. I even completely ignored his calls and texts for two months straight. One weekend, I had been bored and burnt out and frankly wanted to go out on someone else,s dime, so I called him. That phone call lead to several months of torturous conversation about nothing. Mentally we just weren’t on the same level, but I just let it ride.
I didn’t know a nice way to break things off again, sue me!
Nevertheless, the whole situation made me realize how it easy it is for me, and other women to simply settle for what we know we are not happy with, just to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Sometimes we stay out of comfort, knowing the relationship sucks and that it isn’t going anywhere, but staying is just easier. The familiarity, and predictability of the mediocre suffices because we cling to the hope that things will get better over time. We convince ourselves that with enough time and patience they will change, but in reality they never do.
In reality, we are all desperate for love, this notion of the perfect love, a timeless romance like we are fed through media. In an effort to obtain what we think love is we often ignore signs forewarning us a relationship is due to expire. We give chance after chance under the guise of patience, when really we’re trying to force something to be what it simply is not. Rather than put so much pressure on ourselves we should take people and every situation, whether it’s a relationship or general life happenings for what they are.
Although yet another one has bitten the dust, check back in for my dating diary as the quest continues!