“I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it.” ~Rihanna
Love Class: Your Sexual Pleasure and Your Questions
Your body is yours. That seems like over-stating the obvious, right? What’s still not obvious is that it is your right to choose what to do with your body. That means that you get to choose how to wear your hair, how to dress, whether to reproduce and what sexual and sensual pleasure mean to you.
Last week we started a conversation with your most “Frequently Asked Climactic Questions.” Many of you wrote to me to say that you were grateful for these answers. After all, I was directly answering your questions about orgasms. I also found it telling that with such a big response in my private messages, very few of you felt comfortable to share that post in social media.
Here’s the deal; there is nothing shameful about the fact that you are a woman with a body and you are interested in pleasure. There is a difference between sexuality and sensuality, but you have to feel good in your own skin and body before you have access to either.
You and you alone own the right to your body’s wisdom – whether sensual, spiritual or otherwise.
It bears repeating, bombshell, that you also posses the only body part designed solely for pleasure. The universe is not random. Enjoy that fact and enjoy your sensual life. This applies whether you are in relationship with yourself or someone else. Love and respect yourself enough to honor your own body and your own choices.
If you expect anyone else to treat you like you are worthy, you go first! Okay, sermon over.
Here are your other Frequently Asked Questions About Sexual Pleasure:
Should I just fake it and get it over with?
A recent study shows that a whopping 50 to 67 percent of women fake orgasms. While faking the funk may work for some situations, the bedroom is one place that you should never, ever fake it. About 75 percent of women are unable to have an orgasm through intercourse alone. About 10 to 15 percent of women have never had an orgasm at all.
If this is so normal, then why are more than half of us faking orgasms? We fake because we fear we may be taking too long. We don’t want to disappoint our partners and bruise their egos. We are scared of the “weird” ways our bodies react or don’t react. Sometimes we pretend because we are not sure whether we’ve already climaxed.
If you’re not feeling it, be honest. By faking it, you just cheating yourself out of real pleasure and cheat your partner out of pleasing you. Instead of putting your energy into a big show, show your partner what you enjoy. If you don’t feel comfortable enough to say, “It would feel amazing if you…” with your partner, then he or she may be someone you should not be having sex with.
What do kegels have to do with it?
Women who have issues with orgasm may want to try the contraction method. After all, an orgasm is a series of involuntary muscle contractions generally resulting from stimulation. Sex therapist Louanne Cole Weston, Ph.D. of the site SexMatters.com suggests a two-part tension and relaxation system to help women achieve orgasm. She has clients practice PC squeezes or Kegels while letting their minds relax.
The woman-friendly adult shop and website Good Vibrations has many toys and devices that strengthen your PC muscles. Buy online or visit one of their seven locations. Try the Ami from Je Joue. In addition, our favorite “Real Housewife” Kandi Burruss features a toy in her Bedroom Kandi line called “Hold On To Me” that should also do the trick. Yoni eggs have been used for generations in Asia to strengthen the PC muscles. This will help with urinary incontinence when you get older and make for increased pleasure for you and your partner right now!
By the way, we talked about the G-spot in last week’s orgasmic Q&A. Good Vibes also carries a new g-spot toy called the Slender G.
Can a vibrator desensitize me or make it impossible for me to be satisfied with a human being?
There is no medical evidence of this but some women do report numbing. If a vibrating toy feels like too much, take a break from it. Remember, you are in charge of your sexual and sensual life and pleasure.
The most important thing is to make sure that your adult playthings are safe. Sweden is examining sex toys containing phthalates. That’s the toxic chemical softener used in plastics. You obviously don’t want anything with toxicity near your most intimate areas.
To be sure that you are taking your health and well-being into consideration, buy your adult products from a sustainable site such as Ecorotic. They are a green eco-friendly site that is sex-positive and sustainable. you’re protecting the environment, protecting yourself and flexing your right to sensual pleasure. Win-win!
Did I just pee?
Female ejaculation is sometimes known as squirting. Though it does come from the urethra, the stuff you’re expending is not urine; it’s a milky, odorless fluid that’s similar in composition to semen (but without the sperm). Female ejaculation happens after prolonged stimulation of the G-spot, and it’s rarely the explosive fountain you see on the Internet, so don’t despair if you can’t do what you see porn stars do. As sex educator Megan Andalloux says that they have “stunt vaginas.” It’s like trying to drive your car the way a stunt man does in the movies.
However, you can find a tantric teacher or educational book to find out how to access all of the pleasure that your body holds.
When it comes to my orgasm, what’s in it for him?
Our partners want to please us (or at least the good ones do.) They view our orgasms as a badge of honor. Let him be your personal boy scout and help him earn as many sensuality badges as possible!
More goodies to come as we continue this discussion. I see you strong, beautiful, sensual and smiling — in full charge of your body and your pleasure.
Catch up on Love Class
- Are You Hooked on Your Man?
- What Men Want from Women
- Your Sexual Self Esteem: A Quiz
- Orgasm 101: Female Orgasm Q&A
- One Night Stands & Booty Call Rules
- Why Self-Love Improves Romance
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, self-esteem and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at Abiola’s Love University. Her upcoming advice guide is named “The Inner Bombshell Handbook Secret.” Tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.