We are arguing again. We always argue. We started when we were teens and so goes the story of our relationship. This time I think the advice I gave lil’ sis and my unwillingness to allow the kids to visit a few weeks ago has turned into your accusation that I’m trying to control your life. To be honest, I don’t know exactly what we are arguing about, but the basis of all of our feuds usually comes from the “stop trying to be my mother” category. While I don’t agree with that assessment, I do understand it.
I know things changed when I got married five years ago and started a family, but what confuses me most is the distance you keep between us. I’m always finding out that you and our sister go to the movies, go shopping and dinner together and I’m never invited. It hurts my feelings, but more importantly it erases all of the images that I’ve ever had of sharing birthdays, anniversaries and just regular, everyday memories with the only ladies I’ve ever lived with. I know both of you are at a place in life than I am, but that doesn’t mean I need you ladies any less. I’m still your sister.
Before I met my husband and had the kids, we used to hang out at least once a month. We used to talk for hours about everything from men to friends and money. Now, I feel like I only see you guys on major holidays – and we weren’t raised like that. I know that your lives have not slowed down as much as mine has. With law school, hair school, dating and other life obligations I know my life must seem dull to you ladies. But I’m down for a girl’s night out once in a while.
The three of us know things about each other that no one will ever know. We know what each other look like when we wake up in our morning, what foods we crave when it’s that time of the month and we are probably the only three people on the planet who know all of the words to every single Whitney Houston, Baby Face, Toni Braxton album plus the “Waiting to Exhale” soundtrack. It’s those memories and habits that we need to nourish rather than let die because life is separating us. I don’t want to meet one of your friends who have a greater grasp of your life than I do.
While I know we don’t always see eye-to-eye on issues, I think sometimes you both don’t get that I am the oldest of three sisters. Mom had me when she was 15, so I kind of sit in this weird space where I am half your mom and half your sister. So sometimes I feel it’s my obligation as an older sister to help you avoid some of my mistakes. But, what you don’t get is that I’m constantly trying to figure out how much advice to give you and how much to hold back. I don’t intend to hurt your feelings or “live your life”; I just want to help you gain some foresight in your decisions.
So, I guess the most difficult thing has been making the transition from three little girls to three grown women. While our relationship is somewhat strained, I am learning that both of you are just as capable, as women, as I am. And, I am going to lay off on the overbearing advice. I really just want my old sisters back.
But what I need from the two of you is for you to call me and see how I’m doing. I need you to stop at my house and ask me if I need a break from the kids every once in awhile. I need you to give me advice sometimes, too. The bottom line is I didn’t have a big sister. I was the big sister and mom time is not the same as sister time. When mommy is no longer here we will only have each other.
We used to be a sisterhood all on our own. I want that again. My sons need their aunts and I need my sisters back.