Abiola’s Love Class! Do You Have Low Sexual Self-Esteem? A Sexy Quiz

August 21, 2013  |  

Where does low sexual self-esteem come from?

Low sexual self-esteem can be rooted in extreme traumas such as abuse, neglect and abandonment. It can also stem from unhealed breakups and relationship betrayals. In addition, if we have a sense of self-loathing about our bodies then it’s not possible to feel whole and healthy in our interpersonal affairs.

Our limiting beliefs are formed when we create a story around a life event. For example, in seventh grade one of the boys of another race from a prep school near mine said that “brown nipples” were ugly. I internalized that at the time to mean that I was undesirable to all men outside my race. It did not matter that this boy did not know me from a can of paint or that no one was getting to find out anything about my nipples for many more years. My brain and self-esteem as a tween said, “Oh no. There’s something wrong with me.” Many of us carry these stories or interpretations around with us as baggage until we choose to heal and release them. Just because you believe something doesn’t mean that it is true.

Why does it matter?

Young, old, fat, skinny, light, dark, experienced or not, it is your right to enjoy yourself sensually and sexually as a whole and healthy adult woman. You deserve to feel good about your womanly self when you look in the mirror. You deserve to feel free and beautiful when wrapped in loving arms. You want to feel free to explore (or not) and create your sexy life your way.

Women with low sexual self-esteem are more prone to engage in risky behavior like unsafe sex or multiple partners that they don’t feel good about. In addition, you are more likely to be unhappy in relationships and other areas of your life. Low esteem for yourself makes you more likely to say “yes” when you mean “no” and vice versa. Having sex just because you’re lonely, are afraid someone will leave you or call you uptight or because someone did something nice to you are indicators of low self-esteem.

What are some of the indicators of low sexual self esteem?

22 Questions:  Let’s talk what it really means to feel sexy, sexually empowered and have self-esteem.

  1. Do you use sex as a means of boosting your self-worth?

  2. Do you only find yourself desirable when you receive validation from others about your attractiveness?

  3. Do you often have regrets about your sexual escapades?

  4. Do you avoid sexual situations as a matter of self-protection?

  5. Do you think that being intimate with another person is risking judgement?

  6. Do you view yourself as innately unappealing?

  7. Are you uncomfortable with the number of partners that you’ve had?

  8. Are you anxious about the thought of being intimate with your partner?

  9. Are the goggles of alcohol or drugs needed before you can feel sexy by yourself or with someone else?

  10. Do you lack the ability to build lasting ties with another person?

  11. Are you cautious and posing in the boudoir to avoid unflattering physical positions?

  12. Is it important that the lights be off when you’re with your lover?

  13. Do you avoid removing all of your clothes when you have sex?

  14. Are your sex partners people you would not interact with if you felt you had a choice?

  15. Do you fake orgasms to avoid awkwardness?

  16. Are you afraid to get sweaty, messy or have your hair and makeup affected by lovemaking?

  17. Do you have negative opinions about the natural smells and reactions of your body?

  18. Do you doubt your ability to bring pleasure to another person?

  19. Do you have low sexual desire?

  20. Are you not having as much sex as you would like to have?

  21. Do you just lie there as a “dead fish” or “pillow princess” during all intimate play?

  22. Is sex used mainly as a tool of manipulation for you to get things that you want?

What does this all mean?

These are questions for you to answer privately to determine your sexual self esteem. A “yes” answer to any one of them may not indicate a problem. For example, stress and medical factors can decrease desire. However, repeated “yes” replies may be a reason for you to look deeper at your thoughts about yourself.

Being a vibrant and vivacious woman means loving who you are in all areas of your life. This is the best gift you can give yourself. Wouldn’t you agree? If limiting beliefs are restricting any area of your life consider working with a coach or therapist to claim your fullest joy.

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Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, evolved sexuality and getting the love we deserve. She is the author of the upcoming “Official Bombshell Handbook of Feminine Power.” You’ve seen Abiola’s love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at “Abiola’s Love University.” Tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.

 

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