Abiola’s Love Class: Dressing for Your First Date, Inside and Out

August 14, 2013  |  

Welcome to Love School. Class is in session! Abiola’s Love School is a weekly empowered Love Lesson, inspirational class and juicy conversation about love, relationships, dating, sex, commitment and self worth. Each assignment will include homework, resources and actionable steps. Let’s move beyond the surface to experience the true love and intimacy we deserve. Are you in?

“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.” -Eartha Kitt

Love Lesson: Is there a way to be sexy and classy?

“How can I be sexy on a first date without sending a wrong message?”

This question is often whispered to me by women. It’s whispered because there’s a feeling of shame in wanting to be sexy. I’m here to clarify for you that it is natural to want to be appealing to someone you find appealing. It’s also natural and perfectly acceptable to want to feel flirty and sexy in your skin for no one at all but your gorgeous self.

As far as sending the wrong message, this varies from woman to woman. Instead of “the wrong message” I prefer to look at it as the opposite message of what you’re trying to achieve. Usually the women speaking to me are successful women who want to be able to attract and chat up a gentleman without seeming like she wants to do him in the bathroom. So for those sisters, we’ll save the “Sexy Bathroom Rendezvous” 101 for our next Steamy Hot Monogamy post.

“So, how can I be sexy without giving off the ‘wrong’ signals?”

People say there’s a thin line between love and hate. There is also a thin line between sexy and skanky. Skanky is in the eye – and choice- of the beholder and we never shame another woman for her choices but we’d prefer to stay on the sexy side of that line.

Your sex appeal begins before you even go on the date.

Ask yourself, “What is the energy that I am bringing to this date?” Men tell me that they meet many angry women. We could easily have a conversation about how this anger is righteous and justified when women are overworked, underpaid and pissed off. I happen to live in New York where you see gorgeous women on the street with everything going for them with a stone face of anger that is like a wall.

Whether your anger is justified or not, and whether a man finds it appealing or not, this is not healthy for you. The sign on your beautiful forehead says, “I am unavailable for allowing love and good energy.” If I was a man, real talk, I would not approach you if you looked like you believed that life doesn’t love you. You don’t look like a positive, open and fun individual.

If you are experiencing a personal period of misery take a dating timeout. There’s no need to always be on the scene. Healing yourself is most important. Be honest with yourself. Work on whatever is going on in your life. Committing a DWD (Dating While Desperate) will not help with your feelings of despair.

We’ve heard it a thousand times but it really is incredible how much your internal energy shifts the external. My Love University coaching practice focuses on women but men come up to me and say, ‘Help!’ They complain that our online dating profiles  list all the things we don’t want instead of what we do want. This is coming to your love life with “No!” repellent energy rather than “Yes!” allowing energy.

The root of this is feeling bitter, brittle and enraged. We’ve all been betrayed and hurt, but that’s not you want to lead with in any area of your life. Don’t leave with your betrayed foot. If you’re on a date with someone new and exciting, don’t unload everything that your ex did to you or how miserable your life is. That’s not attractive and it is people-repellent.

Would you be attracted to someone who seems negative and miserable? The men we attract when we’re vibrating with low energy are men that match that. Go create the juicy, healthy, fully-expressed life you deserve and you’ll attract people at that level to share it with you.

  • Major positive energy is a turn-on. When you see it, it feels good. You want to be around it. That’s why your smile is your best asset. If your pearly whites are not pearly whites, go to the dentist. Your smile tells people that you’re fresh, welcoming, vibrant and in the game.

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