Welcome to Love School. Class is in session! Abiola’s Love School is a weekly empowered Love Lesson, inspirational class and juicy conversation about love, relationships, dating, sex, commitment and self worth. Each assignment will include homework, resources and actionable steps. Let’s move beyond the surface to experience the true love and intimacy we deserve. Are you in?
“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.” -Tina Turner
When my computer screen gets jumbled the windows freeze and nothing works. The cursor flatlines and I can try refreshing the screen in utter frustration but that quickly becomes a lose-lose situation. Our relationships and lives in general are like that, too. Everything in nature waxes and wanes, ebbs and flows and we’re part of nature.
You know that he’s not on your emotional level and you keep seeing him anyway. You broke up and now you feel like you’re not enough again. You’re sleeping with somebody else’s man and you just can’t stop. Maybe, he looks ideal on paper but you know in your soul that the real life jerk is just wrong, wrong, wrong.
Be thankful. This is a great opportunity. The more clear we are about what we do not want, the closer we get to what we do want.
The majority of women who contact me for coaching or advice are brilliant beauties (just like you) who have come to a general feeling of stuckness in their lives. The day-to-day grind can begin to feel like a spiritual or even moral malaise. The catalyst for the “dry life crisis,” as I call it, could be a devastating break up, unplanned changes at work, inner circle betrayals, financial challenges or all of the above.
[Read: Are you the victim in your life?]
Whatever the trigger, sometimes we wake up and realize that we are not where we wanted to be. At that point it’s key to remember that if we keep doing what we’ve been doing then we’re going to keep getting what we’ve been getting. Your own best thinking brought you here so it is time for new thinking.
Consider this 6-week detox program a reset button for your life. How we do anything is how we do everything so cleaning up our limiting beliefs and stagnant behaviors in one area will affect our general wellbeing. No more “Dating on Default.” The factory settings are broken.
Let’s start over… again! You may want to begin each week on a Sunday with a bath, sage incense and meditation for focus.
Week 1. Define.
If you aren’t specific about where you’re going, then don’t be surprised when you never arrive. Use this week to allow your subconscious mind to become comfortable with life as you want it to be. Are you behaving, dressing, eating, socializing like the dream you?
In previous love lessons we’ve discussed getting clear about what we want in life. You may even have created a vision board or listed qualities you seek in your ideal partner. If you have not, get to it. This week is about specifying what you want your life to look like. You can just work with one area of your life, such as finance or romance, or you can work on your life in general.
Define and describe in detail what you want the life areas that you’re working on to look like. What will make this time any different? After you have you written out your vision, don’t just recite flat affirmations over it. Infuse your dream life with the joyous feelings you will have when you are “there.” This is visioning plus.
Week 2. Declutter.
Use this week to release the things you’re attached to that don’t make your life richer.
Some people live a minimalist existence. They have nothing in storage, no personal tchotchkes, excess files or personal memorabilia, clean inboxes and wardrobes neatly stored and presented by season. Then, there are the rest of us. We can easily identify the hoarding in other people’s lives, but don’t see it our own when we hold on to furniture, clothes, electronics, relationships and online profile “friends” that no longer enrich our lives.
Hoarding, whether a little or a lot, blocks our blessings. At the base of any thought of holding on to anything that has outlived it’s clear and current usefulness is a belief of scarcity and a clear acknowledgement that you are not yet the person you wish to be. For example, holding on to clothes or shoes that don’t fit (in size or style) indicates that you don’t feel abundant enough that you could purchase something similar if needed in the future.
The poverty mindset of holding on to things we no longer need doesn’t leave room for new things and relationships to flow into our lives. Ask, “what is the most self-loving choice I can make right now?” and let it go.
Week 3. Detoxify.
Use this week to clear your mind and body.
The way you treat your body directly reflects how you feel about yourself. If our bodies aren’t clear, our minds won’t be clear. If we treat ourselves like crap by ingesting hidden junky foods then how do we expect other people to treat us?
Detox your body this week by eating only raw fruits and vegetables. This will allow your body to cleanse itself. Of course this is for informational purposes only and you should check with your own medical practitioner to find what’s right for you.
While you’re clearing your body of gunk, this is the time to do so for your mind as well. You are not a magnet for what you want, you are a magnet for what you are.
Take a media time out. No news and no TV. If something happens in the world that affects your life, you’ll find out about it. If you can’t spend seven days without gossip, violence and negativity then perhaps you do not value yourself.
Week 4. Deserve.
Use this week to examine your feelings of worthiness.
Look at your most recent romantic relationship. Was it a mutually loving situation? Were you in communion with someone worthy of your time, body and energy? Did the relationship feed and enrich your mind, body and spirit? Was this person completely and totally in favor of your wellbeing?
If not, you may want to examine your self-worth.
For the next seven days, commit to free-writing for thirty minutes when you wake up. The topic? Whatever comes to mind. If you feel like, “I don’t know what to say,” write that. The task is to examine your subconscious babble and thoughts about yourself and your life. Freewriting helps your mind-gunk to come out.
What others think of you is none of your business but what you think of yourself is everything.
Week 5. Desist.
Use this week to release relationships with people that do not enrich your life.
We are hereby decreed to cease and desist any non-working or defunct relationships. If there are people in your phone or mental rolodex that are taking up space, delete them. This means removing the deceased from your phone. This also means cutting off dead conversations and communication with people who drain rather than add to your life.
Make a list of everyone you interact with on a weekly basis. Do these people reflect who you are as a person. Do your interactions leave you feeling energized or vampirized? Limit contact with energy drainers and remove “people clutter” from your life.
Week 6. De-stress.
Use this week to nurture and build yourself back up.
You have been through five weeks of releasing. This week is about building yourself up. Spend time with people that make you feel full and happy. Take part in activities that leave you feeling revitalized. Nourish your body with nutritious meals and positive entertainment. You are a queen. Treat yourself like you want to be treated.
Living by default can often leave us feeling empty, bitter and angry. Nature hates a vacuum so let go of the things that aren’t working to make room for greatness. You deserve to live proactively rather than reactively. This is your time! Defuse stagnant energy for a life that is simultaneously delicious and delectable.
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, evolved sexuality and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, expert advice videos, coaching, and more at “Abiola’s Love University. Facebook or tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.