Welcome to Love School. Class is in session! Abiola’s Love School is a weekly empowered Love Lesson, inspirational class and juicy conversation about love, relationships, dating, sex, commitment and self worth. Each assignment will include homework, resources and actionable steps. Let’s move beyond the surface to experience the true love and intimacy we deserve. Are you in?
“Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise that I dance like I’ve got diamonds at the meeting of my thighs?” – Dr. Maya Angelou
LESSON 10: HOW TO BE A SEX GODDESS
It is (stupidly) a dirty little secret that we all want to feel sexy and be attractive to the objects of our affection. It’s somewhat taboo for us intelligent people to talk about this so we leave it to the corporations who come up with new ways to sell “sexy” to us. Watch any “National Geographic” animal kingdom special, however, and you’ll see that the dance of desire and attraction is a part of nature. Yes, we are sophisticated animals.
For women, our sexuality is entangled with mixed societal messages and cultural doublespeak. Bring home the bacon, fry it up, be a good mother, business superstar and a sexpot, without being a slut.
It’s time to shift the conversation. It’s not about being as sexy like a porn star, Video Vixen or a Bond Girl — unless that really appeals to your heart and soul. If so, go for it. Maybe this brand of sexual expression only appeals to you occasionally privately with your partner. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Here’s how to empower your inner Oshun, let Shakti reign and be your own Venus meets Afrodite bombshell! This week’s Love Lesson is about how to be a sex goddess your way and how to raise your other I.Q., your Irresistibility Quotient.
7 WAYS TO ACTIVATE AFRODITE
1. Value your beautiful self.
I have been called a “sex blogging prude” because I talk so much about self-love and celibacy. At first blush it bothered me and I would overcompensate by pretending to be someone who I am not. Now it makes me laugh. Booty calls and one night stands are not my modus operandi. If teaching us to value our bodies as a part of love education and sexual empowerment makes me a “prude” so be it.
You can’t ask someone to love, honor and cherish you if you don’t first feel this way toward yourself. If you had diamonds in your pocket would you dole them out to every man (or woman) who looks at you sideways? Why treat yourself less casually than you would treat diamonds? Aren’t you worth more than that?
Sure, as an adult women we have needs. However, I have never encountered anyone who regrets waiting to be sexual with a new partner. On the other hand, my inbox is full of women — and men — with sexual regrets. If having friends with benefits works for you, have at it. Just be sure.
Having (what I call) “sexual self-esteem” means making better choices about how you treat your body temple. If you cast your pearls to swine you may catch a nasty swamp flu in your spirit.
2. Understand your vulva-licious body.
Last week a woman who contacted me for relationship coaching said that she was suffering from Female Sexual Dysfunction. I asked her to explain specifically how she had come to this self-diagnosis. She explained that she couldn’t “have an orgasm like the women in the movies.”
Female Sexual Dysfunction was created in large part by pharmaceutical companies. Of course there are people with mental and physical arousal blocks. However, many women who refer to FSD are talking about the fact that they can have a clitoral but not vaginal orgasm. Statistically, this is most women. So how is that dysfunctional if that’s the way your body works?
If you want to awaken sleeping parts of your yoni, explore a tantric education with a teacher like Juju Mama aka Kenya K. Stevens before taking pills. If your intimacy blocks are psychological or emotional, seek coaching or counseling. Your sexual health is an important part of your overall well-being.
Get a small mirror. See what is going on with your body. Practice self-touch and self-pleasure. Take a belly dancing or pole fitness class. If you can’t please yourself, no one else will.
3. Enjoy your vivacious sexuality.
There’s a reason that one acronym for sex is “Sacred Energy eXchange.” Read, watch movies, get an intimate education from the tame to the lurid. Find out what you enjoy. This is divine to share with a partner or indulge in by yourself.
Let go of the shame. Don’t let anyone shame you for who you are sexually; that includes both “prude shaming” and “slut shaming.” A large part of the “50 Shades” phenomenon of last year is that we’re starved for this kind of content — and hungry for intimate sisterly sharing.
Stop holding back on your loving partner and end the faking it. You’re cheating yourself more than anything. There can be such a thing as “hot monogamy.” If you’re in a relationship, let your freak flag fly. You are a sexual creature. That is natural, beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of. Anything that two consenting adults agree to should be on the table for discussion at least.
4. Live a sensual life.
Part of feminine energy is a sensual appreciation for life. I use “sensual” to mean “of the five senses.” Bring a sensual appreciation to everything you do from eating a delicious meal to cleaning your house. It sounds crazy but a woman in touch with appreciation for her world is vibrant, attractive and irresistible to herself and everyone else.
See, smell, touch, taste and listen to the world around you. Express your feelings rather than numbing or distracting yourself from the joys, pains and stresses. Your life will be richer for it because this will force you to be in the present moment. Also, bring those five senses into every experience with your partner as well, from lovemaking to picnics in the living room.
5. Practice emotionally safe sex.
We can’t feel irresistible if we feel unsafe. We should all know at this point that using barrier protection such as condoms and dental dams is what makes sex physically safe. I came into this work in part because of my safe sex initiative to educate women in my community from dying from preventable sexually transmitted diseases.
Emotionally safe sex is sex with a partner where you feel mentally, physically and spiritually safe. You are not emotionally safe if you fear judgment or abandonment from the person on the pillow next to you. If you are being abused in anyway, you are not emotionally safe.
Practice good self-care and choose partners that are deserving of your affection. You can’t feel fully safe with someone who is rejecting you in any way. If you’re unsure about whether you should be with someone, ask yourself, “What is the most self-loving choice I can make right now?”
6. Flirt, flirt, flirt with life.
I have been told that I’m a natural flirt and I never knew that I was flirting. Apparently, I flirt with everyone: men and women, young and old. The real deal is that I just enjoy people. As an extroverted introvert I have my “leave me alone” moods but when I’m out and about people intrigue me.
A woman who is flirting feels good in her skin and is therefore confident and more attractive. Get your flirt on! Part of having a flirtatious attitude is wanting to know more about the people you encounter without wondering what’s in it for you.
7. Relish your feminine power.
We’ve been talking a lot here in these love classes about the sacred feminine. This is central to my teachings as a Passionate Living Coach. At one time we would have been initiated as girls into the ancient wisdom, secrets and bodies of the feminine. It’s time to reclaim this.
Many of us thrive at work in masculine energy — which is fantastic. Masculine energy is outward focused, go-getting, giving and linear. Feminine energy starts with being receptive and yielding. If you are masculine energy focused most of the time, experiment with the power of receiving and vulnerable in the bedroom. It will be a welcome gift to your partner and your life.
- [Check out Lesson 8: “Divine Feminine Energy 101.”]
Passion up, sexy!
This is just the beginning of our conversation on being radiant, attractive and irresistible. Don’t forget to check out last week’s love class on “How to Activate Your Love Magnet.”
You deserve to have a juicy, fearless, passionate life with a partner who is worthy of your affections. Get in the game. Live and love in your truth.
THIS WEEK’S HOMEWORK
You may want to form a Love School Playgroup with your friends to do these assignments. Take 5 deep, cleansing breaths to get centered and begin.
Write down how you plan to incorporate each of the 8 steps to activating the sacred feminine into your life, then get to it and report back! We’ll talk more about this in coming weeks.
- What’s going on under your clothes? I declare today to be “Red Panty Day.” Put on your sexiest undies. Sure, no one might know but you. However, the way you move in the world will be different. Do a lingerie clean up. Toss any old “drawers” that don’t reflect a love and honor for your gorgeous body.
- Have you ever heard of sacred sexuality? What does this mean to you? Do some research and see how you can charge up your life in this area.
- Make a list of times of your most incredible sexual experiences. What made these connections so juicy? Also examine times where you felt less than empowered. What are the lessons learned?
- It’s mirror time. Explore your vulva, clitoris and vagina in a mirror. Your yoni is yours, right? Develop a healthy love and appreciation for your own body. Name “her” and own your power.
- Who are your healthy role models in this area? There are many women who seem to feel good in their skins. Whether it’s Pam Grier, Josephine Baker, Serena Williams, Sofia Vergara, Halle Berry, Beyonce Knowles or Eartha Kitt, examine your Sex Goddess role models. List the qualities and traits you admire about these women and see if you can apply any of them to your own life.
Love Resource Links:
- A. Break Up Detox: Letting Go of the Past
- B. How to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships
- C. Letting Go of Limiting Love Beliefs
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, evolved sexuality and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at “Abiola’s Love University.” Tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.