Welcome to Love School. Class is in session! Abiola’s Love School is a weekly empowered Love Lesson, inspirational class and juicy conversation about love, relationships, dating, sex, commitment and self worth. Each assignment will include homework, resources and actionable steps. Let’s move beyond the surface to experience the true love and intimacy we deserve. Are you in?
Lesson 7: Break Up Detox! How to Move on When You Can’t Let Go
“I never hate you for not loving me anymore but I hate myself for still loving you.” ~Facebook Quote
They say that trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew. A large percentage of the coaching questions that I get are from women asking for advice on how to move on after a relationship is clearly over. The brain says time is up but your spirit is still enmeshed with the other person.
Write this down and say it every day until you don’t need to: “If he (or she) was for me, he would be with me. If it did not work out, he is not the one. He is not my happy ending. I will not break although it may feel like it. I am stronger than I think.”
Why It’s So Hard to Let Go.
When you are in love and physically intimate with another person, your mind, body and spirit are engaged. Your heart collaborates with your brain’s connecting chemicals to create a bond that feels unbreakable… until it is. It seems like you’re crazy when it’s over because “withdrawal” from a person is the same as withdrawing from an opioid, like heroin. Love addicts go from person to person without ever healing.
Give yourself a set amount of time for your personal pity party. No, you will not magically be over someone when you tell yourself to be. However, it’s important to allow yourself to feel the heartbreak and cry it out. You will be tempted to numb or distract yourself but the only way to heal is to go through it.
You have suffered a death – the death of a dream. If you don’t deal with your grief honestly, it will pop up when you least expect it. Grief waits. Be honest with yourself and your loved ones about where you are emotionally. Surrender the illusion you had of being in control of your life to a greater force.
Some drugs require quitting with a step-down system and others require cold turkey. If you’ve tried to gradually get over someone and you’re still stuck, it’s time to cut it off at the source. End contact and close the door. It’s called a breakup because it’s broken. No more emotional cutting, like reviewing his facebook page or happy photos. It’s time to go into detox mode.
The Moving On Toolbox
1) Extreme self care.
Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself closure. You can say goodbye in a letter you never send. Make it final. Get support from a counselor, therapist, coach or good friends. Developing a mediation practice may be helpful.
You can’t move forward ever unless you are able to forgive yourself and the other person. True forgiveness may take months or years. In that case, even being willing to forgive can soften the “stuck” energy and allow progress in your life. Let go of the wish that the past could have been any different.
3) Take responsibility.
Learn the lessons of the breakup. If you ever hope to have the skill of relationship commitment (yes it is a skill) you have to take responsibility for your part in the close of the relationship. Even if the person was emotionally unavailable, a cheater or a liar, you chose them. Why?
4) Healing tools.
The same mind that created a problem can’t solve it. Your new life needs new skills. Talk therapy and journaling are great for emotional purging, but try a mind interrupting process like the Lefkoe Method, acupressure, the Emotional Freedom Technique or even hypnosis. These are techniques that help the mind to break repetitive thought patterns and beliefs.
Creative visualization is a tool that I use with all clients dealing with breakup difficulties. This involves using your imagination to create a positive vision. One simple exercise involves visualizing yourself looking back at the situation a year from now and realizing how much happier you are.
How to Free Yourself
A) Have fun!
This is the time for something new. Break old patterns with new activities.
B) Feng shui it.
It’s over and done with. Toss everything that makes you think of your ex. It is bad feng shui to still have your past taking up room from your future.
C) Date – several people.
They say the best way to get over an old man is with a new man. This doesn’t mean that you jump into bed with the next person at the bus stop. It’s also not about jumping into a new relationship. Just meet new people and have a great time.
Don’t let your mind get the best of you. Instead of imagining that your dysfunctional man has suddenly morphed into a prince and some other woman is getting to reap the benefits, realize that he is over there being exactly the same as he was with you.
That was a challenging, wasn’t it?
One day you’ll see him across a crowded room and think, “Wow. That looks like somebody I loved once.” Maybe you’ll smile or wave. Maybe you won’t.
“Who is that?,” your new man will ask.
“No one,“ you’ll say.
Perhaps you’ll go home and cry at the memories. When your new love knocks on the bathroom door, he’ll listen intently while you tell him everything. “I love you,” he will say, holding you tight. Yes; he’s just a beautiful person like that – and you deserve it.
Your blessed future is your gift for having the courage to love like you’ve never been hurt – again. Wishing you more love than you ever thought possible.
This Week’s Homework:
Complete these sentences and questions in a notebook. You may want to form a Love School Playgroup with your friends to do these assignments.
Take 5 deep, cleansing breaths to get centered and begin.
1) What is the most self-loving thing I can do for myself right now?
2) When I don’t feel supported, I will…
3) I am grateful for…
4) The biggest lessons of my past relationship are…
5) The future most excites me when I think about..
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, evolved sexuality and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at “Abiola’s Love University www.AbiolaTV.com. Email questions to kissandtell@abiolaTV.com or tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.