How to Prepare for the End of the World on May 21

May 20, 2011  |  

 

 

A fella told me the world is ending on Saturday, so I told him to have unprotected sex with a stripper from Sin City. Why not, the world is ending, what’s it gonna hurt? I’m personally looking forward to the world ending a little more than most because I’m really tired of these student loan collectors calling my cell phone/job phone and emailing me threatening to garnish my wages. I heard Sallie Mae text messages people, I can’t get with that!

Pardon my sarcasm, listen if you really believe the world is going to end I need you to do these three things:

1.) Get fresh
Go to the mall and buy yourself something super expensive, because if you’re gonna die you need to be stunting like Weezy F. Baby. Ladies make sure you get some new Louboutins and cut the line at salon. Baby you got to be fresh!
2. Do something wild
Hey “something wild” is different for everybody. Maybe you want to go all out an have a threesome laying on a polar bear rug or go to the tallest skyscraper in your city and make love in front of the windows. Go streaking in the middle of the city.  Get naked baby, dance! Maybe you could do something like go skydiving. I mean, jumping out of a plane is pretty wild. These are just suggestions but I want you to do whatever you feel is wild for the night, just don’t get arrested. No one wants to spend their last night alive in jail.

3. Repent
The world is ending, you have to at least show some remorse for this crazy life you’ve lived. And you’re fresh to death so at least you’re coming to God in style (not that God cares). If you believe in the Mayans, be careful, they have been known to kick people down the stairs.  Repent. Repent. Repent!
No but seriously the Bible says:

“No man knoweth the time nor the hour” so….

Forgive me, I’m a Christian but in good conscience I cant get with the self proclaimed prophets and Jesus freaks and their alleged divine wisdom about the ending of the world this coming Saturday. I was out of the loop until I saw a Winnebago that read “God kills” quoting scripture telling anyone who had eyes that the world would be destroyed on May 21. In true black person fashion I’m more worried about the two bbqs I have to attend on Saturday rather than a massive earthquake that’s going to devastate the world as we know it. I thought the world was supposed to end in 2012, well before that it was 2006 and we all remember Y2K.

Not to mention for the biblical scholars out there, if the end of the world really is Saturday it wouldn’t be “the end”, it would just start the season of torment. I think my confusion lies in all of the mixed messages of this catastrophe that’s supposed to be upon us. Is Jesus coming back or is it the Mayans prediction? Is Nostradamus saying this or the Winnebago man who would have me hanging with his cult drinking the kool-aid with plans that a comet was going to take us to Mars.
When you wake up on Sunday, call your credit card company and report the card stolen. It’s going to take a few weeks and a thorough investigation before you can get your money back but more than likely you’ll get your money back. Thank God you didn’t do anything dumb enough to get arrested, because if you did you would be sitting in a prison until Monday morning waiting to see the judge , possibly missing work. And don’t forget that while you were repenting you told the Lord all the things you were never going to do again. I guess the world really did end for you. That sucks!

So, ummmm..what are your Saturday plans?

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