Where the Good Men Aren’t Hiding

April 19, 2011  |  

Time and time again, we read articles telling us how to look for love—where to go, what to wear, what to say—when, in actuality, there is nothing to look for.

The “good” black men aren’t nestled in the bushes or gathering at a top secret hideout. They are sitting at the booth next to you and your girls; they are helping escort elderly women to their cars at church; they are sprinkled everywhere. Broaden that scope to all available men and there are plenty of options right under your nose. All you have to do to recognize them is be open.


Oftentimes we have constructed an ideal mate and that is the man we’re trying to find; but, during that quest, we tend to look directly over some really great guys. The ideal that we create is based on what we think we want and, while “the one” may possess the majority of those qualities, he probably won’t come packaged as pictured and contain some additional ingredients. Every beautiful woman married to a less than lust-worthy man is not with him just for his money. It’s about the shoe fitting, not the height, complexion, race or hair type of the prince. Many of the good men out there go unnoticed for superficial reasons: he rides public transportation, has scuffed up shoes, a receding hairline or big lips. As a result we dismiss the guy who only uses the bus system because it makes for an easier commute to work and the fast-rising entrepreneur who is losing hair due to an overwhelming amount of new business.

Quality men don’t sniff women out like hounds. They aren’t in the club pushing up on every girl that walks through their vicinity. In fact, they are rarely in the club at all. Sometimes we are so used to being bombarded by the overt advances of The Unwanted (you know, “Hey lil’ mama,” “How you doin’ Miss Lady,” “What’s up, Slim,” etc.), that we don’t notice when a good man is inquiring; because good guys don’t generally hit on women. Into quality rather than quantity, their approach is different and intermittent. They strike up conversation—getting to know you, wooing you with bits of chivalry—that’s their game.

If you are a good woman, you don’t have to find a good man; he will find you. All you have to do is stay open to love—ready. He could be the guy alone at the movies, because his friends can’t appreciate a good romantic comedy; he could be the black guy with a crew of white friends that you assume exclusively dates white women. So, sit back and relax. Stop looking for a man and let it happen.

LaShaun Williams is a lifestyle and relationship advice columnist, blogger and soon-to-be author. Her work has been featured on popular urban sites, such as The Grio, and she has made appearances on the Tom Joyner Morning Show and Santita Jackson Show. She is also the founder of Politically Unapologetic, where she unabashedly discusses pop culture, life, love and a dash of politics. Follow @itsmelashaun on Twitter or visit her on Facebook.

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