Is His Cheating Ever Your Fault?

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Being the victim of a cheating boyfriend or spouse is never fun. Even if your relationship has been on the rocks or you could sense some distance between you. Finding out your man has stepped out of the relationship can catch you off guard and be devastating. In the midst of all of your emotions of anger, shock, disappointment and sadness you may find yourself asking one question – “Was it my fault he cheated?”

Even if you know that it’s not your fault per se, it’s common for some men and women to wonder if it was something they were missing that the other person had that caused your partner to cheat? Was she prettier, smarter, funnier? A cheating partner can bring out your deepest insecurities. And if your lowlife cheating husband knows what those insecurities are, it’ll be easy for him to flip his infidelity around on you and blame you for it. However, if you’re the recent victim of a cheating man, don’t fall for the okie doke. It is never the victim’s fault no matter how he tries to spin it – and here are some reasons why.

For one, cheating is a cop-out. Sure, the reason he cheated may be because he’s not getting his emotional or physical needs met at home. Maybe you’re too tired for sex because of work or the kids, or you don’t have as much time for him as you used to. It’s easy to see why he might look elsewhere. But even if you acknowledge that you could have been more present in your relationship, hindsight is not the time for this revelation. A mature man would communicate his needs to you BEFORE he decides to cheat so that you can address these issues together. But an immature man will simply look to someone new outside of the relationship in order to get his needs met…which is the “easy” way out…and a temporary fix. Even if he communicates his needs to you and you don’t acknowledge or address them, he still has no grounds to cheat even though he may try to convince you otherwise. It takes a strong and mature man to try to either fix his problems in his own relationship or end it before deciding to cheat.

Secondly, his cheating may not have had anything to do with you or your relationship at all. Some men cheat because they’re going through their own internal issues – whether it’s a mid-life crisis or some sort of insecurity they’ve been grappling with. Some men just want to make sure “they still got it.” Again, not your problem. While you should be your partners’ biggest cheerleader, all of his confidence and security shouldn’t come from you. Don’t let him tell you that if you had made him feel more like a man or if you had given him more compliments, then he wouldn’t have to look to get them from someone else. But no matter how much you would have “bigged him up,” someone who is insecure will always be insecure until he or she does something to change how they feel about themselves. That sort of confidence has to come from within, not from you or any other woman.

Lastly, a cheater might blame you for his infidelity because he’s always been a cheater and you knew what you were getting into. I know that sounds twisted, but people who have been busted can get very creative when trying to justify their actions. But to his point, if a man cheated while you were dating, marriage vows are not going to magically make him stop. Cheaters generally lack self-control, and again, a mature man would be able to ignore his  impulses and satisfy his needs with his significant other – not some random other woman. And again, it has nothing to do with looks, or sex appeal or anything else you imagine this woman may have that you don’t. It doesn’t matter how amazing you are, if a person wants to cheat there is nothing you can do about it. And if he’s a serial cheater, you may be a little foolish for staying, but the cheating itself is not your fault.

Whatever the scenario, know that blaming yourself for his infidelity is like adding salt to an already open wound. Resist the urge to take responsibility for his actions. You didn’t make the decision to cheat, but you do have a decision to make moving forward. Whether you decide to stay or go is up to you – just don’t feel guilted into believing that you played any part in his indiscretions. Everyone is responsible for his or her own actions, so make sure that he takes sole responsibility for his no matter what you decide to do afterwards.

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