10 Things That May Change After Saying "I Do"

Now, don’t get me wrong, I knew being married was different from just going out, but I didn’t think anything would drastically change other than wearing wedding rings. And for some couples, that’s true. But for me, I felt different almost immediately after saying “I do.” If you’re thinking of getting engaged, are already engaged or just newly married – here are a list of some things that changed for us once we finally tied the knot.

 Once the officiate declared us “husband and wife,” I felt a little surge down my spine. We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, not that I think we ever really called ourselves that. Seems so high school. But now he’s not just “my man” – he’s my “husband.” It just sounds so official. And it is. We have titles now, not that it changes your love or the roles you play in your relationship – it just makes it that much more REAL I guess. And because he has a real title now, you find that you start to address him as such. I don’t call him John to people who don’t know us. I call him “my husband.” When asked on documents to list the relationship of my emergency contact, I write “husband.” It’s like a new set of credentials you have, and for some reason, it just feels like the terms husband and wife carry more weight with them…and in a good way.

 It’s not just me who seems to think that having a husband or a wife carries more meaning. Other people, even our friends and family who have known us for a while, feel like our union is “real” now because we got married. It was like everything before that day was just practice, like we were playing house. Now that he’s my husband, others take us and our relationship a little more seriously, because now our love isn’t just on display, but on a piece of paper. It meant that we were in it for the long haul. It seems that when you make public vows to promise to love someone forever, outsiders looking in are looking to hold you accountable. And they will. It makes you want to live up to their expectations as much as you do to your partner.

 The stakes seem to be higher once you’re married, and telling someone to get the hell out isn’t as easy as it was when you were just dating. Sure, you can say it, and divorce is always an option, but you tend to think about it a little more before you tell someone to kick rocks. Now you share a house or an apartment – and because it belongs to both of you, you can’t tell him or her to leave if they have just as much right to be there as you do. Now when arguments happen you just have to work through it or get over it. You can’t threaten to break up every time you have a disagreement. You have to pick your battles and decide if you’re really going to ruin your evening or your weekend over something that would have been easily upset about when you were just boyfriend and girlfriend. Sharing space after you’re married is a lot different from having your own place to go to when things get heated – so you might as well just go to your side of the crib until you can work it out.

 Not only is there NOT an easy out when it comes to sharing space in a marriage – there’s no easy out when it comes to family either. When you marry him or her, you marry their family as well…so breaking up with him would mean breaking up with his mother, his father, his auntie, his favorite uncle, you name it. Now, if you hate his family, then divorcing them too would be no skin off your back. But if you’ve grown to love them as an extension of your own family, you have them to consider too when contemplating ending your union. His nephews now call you auntie, and you can hang out with his sisters without him being there. You’re all tied together, and most times your families are rooting for you to make it, especially if the in-laws really love you. Now, you have a standard to uphold to them too, and for some people being held accountable by your family is enough to make you want to work harder at the relationship.

 If you had children prior to getting married, some people feel like making it “official” validates the children as well. For some, sharing the same last name (if you so choose) makes your unit complete. Now, a marriage certificate doesn’t make you any more or less a family than being unmarried, but in certain people’s eyes, it makes you “complete.” I don’t know if I agree fully, but I personally never wanted to have children out-of-wedlock, and I do feel like our son will appreciate having parents who are married. Having children in marriage doesn’t guarantee that you’ll STAY married, but for me, it’s added incentive to want to work harder at it.

 I remember when I was single and dating having a man wasn’t the end all be all that some women made it out to be. Sure, I had no problem having a boyfriend – I think I even thrive when I’m in a relationship. But I also enjoyed my own company and liked being single too, so when a guy acted a fool or said something I didn’t like…or I simply got bored…it was easy for me to just bounce. I could keep it as serious or casual as I wanted, and if after 6 months I was ready to take a step back or just end a relationship altogether, I could. But when you’re married, you can’t leave just because he said something you didn’t like. Now, if I get bored, I have to find a way to keep that spark going. Complacency is not an option, unless I want a dull, boring, lifeless marriage.

 Now when we fight, because all married couples fight, we tend to fight a little differently. Now, we know we have to be more careful, not hit below the belt and be more diplomatic. Why? Because we know we’re probably going to make up because, as stated earlier, we have no place to go. So there is no need to say anything hurtful that we can’t take back if neither one of us is going anywhere. Now, there are couples who fight and don’t make up or get over it and have underlying issues which might signal that they shouldn’t be married in the first place. But for us, it’s about recognizing if it’s a “real” fight or one of us just frustrated from a long day at work or sleep deprived from being up all night with the baby. Now, our fights don’t last or linger like they did when we were dating, because we know we have to get on with the business of taking care of our child, our house and continue to run our lives. So we figure out what we’re really angry about, fix it and move on. Marriage doesn’t seem built for long bouts of arguing or not speaking. When you’re dating, maybe you can go days or weeks without speaking or making up. When you’re married, not so much. And if you do, get counseling…fast!

 For some couples, getting married doesn’t change how secure they feel in a relationship, but for others, it’s a big difference. For one, if you join bank accounts, get on your spouse’s health plan or you buy a house together, it can bring about a sense of security that you never had before. There are benefits that come with being married, many of which are financial when it comes to assets, life insurance, etc. In most cases, the spouse is automatically the beneficiary of said assets, unless otherwise named in a will or other legal document. In some cases, these benefits are the ONLY reason a couple might decide to make it official, and security is never a bad thing.

 Now, this can be a good or bad thing for some couples, depending on how you look at it. When you were dating, you never let him see you in your head scarf or pimple cream at night. You probably NEVER passed gas in front of him while you were dating either – and maybe some things should just remain a mystery. But after marriage, you might feel a little more free to show him a side of you he’s never seen before because you’ve settled into a comfort level that makes you both feel at ease with each other enough to let your guard down a little. Now I’m not suggesting that you completely let yourself go and you become some sort of farting slob. But it’s also good to know you have someone who loves you even when you’re not showing your most attractive self. Now, you can jump in the shower while he’s sitting on the toilet , or you can wear sweats instead of sexy lingerie EVERY time you share the bed like you did when you were dating. That doesn’t mean that you retire your lingerie completely or stop wearing makeup. It just means that if you decide to wear your oversized pj’s or go bare-faced one day, he’ll still find you as sexy as he always has, because you’re his wife.

 For some, sharing a last name makes a couple feel invincible. I hyphenated my last name with his, but I’d be lying if there wasn’t some underlying feeling of a team dynamic I feel when I write his name with mine. But it’s not just about a name, it’s about the shift in our thinking that turns the “I’s” into a “we.” Now everything “we” do is for “us” and our family. It’s easy to still maintain some of the “I’s” when you’re just dating. You might still have separate accounts, separate homes, separate friends, and to some degree, separate lives when you’re just dating. Now, my successes or his successes automatically feel like “our” success…because it’s for the greater good of the marriage. If he gets a raise or a promotion, it benefits us both. Same goes for me. Before when we were dating, I felt like I could celebrate his success with him and be happy for him…but it felt like it was still his success. Now, everything…even failures…feel like it belongs to both of us. But no matter what, failure or success, happiness or sadness, joy or pain, neither one of us feels like we’re going through it alone. If he cries, I cry…and vice versa. Of course everything I listed isn’t ONLY possible if you have  ring, a white dress and a marriage certificate – You can be in a happy, fulfilling long-term relationship and experience all of these things without making it down the aisle. It’s just that for me, I didn’t feel or appreciate these changes until after I got married.