Hey Madame: Every Time My Boyfriend Messes Up I Want To Go Back To My Ex

August 27, 2014  |  

Hey Madame,

In my previous relationship, I was madly and unconditionally in love with my boyfriend. We meant the world to each other but I felt he didn’t trust me. When I confronted him, he would say it’s because he is jealous. Despite all the issues we had, we were in love with each other and I never imagined us breaking up. But one day, one of my distant uncles discouraged me from dating my boyfriend because he apparently was not from a good home. This really hurt me but I took it to heart and decided to look at all the negatives and pulled out. I’m now in a different relationship but I’m still in love with my ex. Every time my current boyfriend fails it makes me think of my ex. I really love my ex but my current boyfriend is so good to. Should I go back to my ex despite what my uncle said or should I continue loving to my current boyfriend ?

Jazmine: You should truly get to the root of why you broke up with your ex-boyfriend. Was it solely based on the things that your uncle brought to your attention or was it that he did not trust you? Only after you get to the root of that will you be able to accurately assess whether or not you should go back to your ex-boyfriend. What will make things different this time around? Has he changed at all?

As for your current boyfriend, I believe that you have him in a very unfair position. For one, you’re constantly comparing him to your ex-boyfriend and honestly, you don’t seem to be very into him. If you’re willing to leave him for someone else, then you should probably ask yourself whether or not you actually love him in the first place.

I’m not sure how much time passed between your last relationship and your current, but perhaps you should spend some time alone so that you are able to truly sort things out and figure out what you want to do with a clear head.

Veronica: Your letter makes me think you’re imagining your past relationship to be better than what it really was. You said you loved your ex unconditionally but the trust issues, more than your uncle’s “he’s not from a good home” analysis, let you know it was time to bounce. Trust issues aren’t problems you can gloss over. Even if you love someone, not trusting that person–or him not trusting you– can doom your relationship. Which is exactly what happened to you before. You need to figure out if you’re really satisfied with your current boyfriend. Do you only think about your ex when your current man messes up? If you decide to leave your current guy, I wouldn’t suggest going back to your ex, simply because it might not be the fairy tale you imagined.

Lauren: It appears you do not trust your own instincts. Your uncle or whomever should not have the power to direct the course of your relationship — especially an uncle who you consider to be a distant relative. Also, your uncle does not know your significant other in the same capacity as you do. I think for the moment, it would be best for you not to go back to your ex. He doesn’t know how to trust a partner because he has jealousy issues. That factor will not produce a healthy relationship. As for your current boyfriend, I do not think it is fair to be with him if you do not love him and if you constantly compare him to your ex-boyfriend.

Victoria: The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. While you say your uncle played a big role in your decision to leave your ex, you’re an adult and you knew your ex better than anyone. Chances are you had your reasons for wanting to move on and did just that. But it does seem that you still have deep feelings for your ex. In my opinion before you try to rekindle an old flame, make sure you wouldn’t be walking back into the same situation that made you leave in the first place. And the jealousy sounds like it was a big problem for you guys. And if you do want to be with your ex, have respect enough for your new man to be honest with him about what you’re feeling  and leave before you try to get that old thing back. If he’s been good to you he deserves that much.

Brande: Don’t go back to your ex and seriously consider whether you want to be with your current partner. We all have a tendency to look back on past relationships with rose-tinted glasses and wonder “what if,” but when we do so, we’re usually omitting all the negative issues that caused the relationship to end. Jealousy is not a small issue to deal with. Something besides your uncle told you to leave your ex alone — your intuition — and it seems you were right to follow it. As for the current man, are you really happy with him or was he just a rebound after breaking up with your ex? Every time a man falters you shouldn’t want to throw in the towel and go back to someone else unless you truly feel unfulfilled. It may be a good time for you to spend some time alone figuring out what you really want.

 

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