Things Women Think Men Do Behind Closed Doors But They Don’t

August 25, 2014  |  
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Some women believe men have a whole secret life they live when their partners aren’t watching. And sure, we all have some habits we only let loose when alone like eating over the kitchen sink and picking our noses. But most men don’t go this far when nobody’s watching.

Complain about your performance in bed

Why would a guy tell his friends that you don’t perform very good oral sex? Men want their friends to believe they have the greatest sex life!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brag about all the sex they’re having

To follow up on the last point, men want their friends to believe they have the greatest sex life, but the details, they’ll leave up to their friends’ imaginations. Any guy knows that a guy who brags about having tons of sex is having zero! So the ones who are having tons of sex keep quiet.

Watch deranged adult videos

Your guy might watch porn with women a little more wild and promiscuous (and botox and silicon injected) than you are, but it’s rare you’d be with a guy into truly vile, borderline illegal porn without picking up on some signs way in advance that there’s something wrong with this guy!

Talk about the celebrities they’d leave you for

Not since they were 15. When a grown man is regularly getting some from a real woman, that preoccupies his mind too much to think about what it’d be like to be with Beyonce.

Complain about going to brunch

The jig is up guys! We know that men like brunch! They may say they go as an excuse to drink on a Sunday morning, but they do love blueberry pancakes and lobster eggs benedict. Hello—they have taste buds.

Cat call at women

Any smart guy knows he can’t cat call at women when he’s in a relationship—one of those women could be his partner’s sister, friend, co-worker, upstairs neighbor or any number of people who could tell on him!

 

 

 

 

Eat ten racks of ribs

How could your guy get away with gorging on junk food every time you were apart, and not be obese? He couldn’t. So he probably doesn’t.

 

 

Drink 30 beers

Refer to last point. Besides, you probably at least talk on the phone every night you’re not with your guy in person, and he couldn’t cover up being drunk off of 30 beers.

 

 

 

 

 

Pretend they have plans so they can sit at home

Well, some may do this. But if you’re a sane, reasonable, non-clingy girlfriend, your guy will just tell you when he needs the night to himself.

Take a dozen selfies flexing their muscles

Men aren’t that into having selfies as a private stash. If your guy takes selfies, you’d see them on some social media platform by now. If you haven’t, it’s because he doesn’t take them.

 

 

Pleasure themselves all day

You’ve probably noticed that a man can only have sex with you so many times over the course of a few hours. So how do you think he could suddenly rise to the occasion a dozen times a day, all because he’s by himself?

Hang out with guys you’d never approve of

He may intentionally hang with the friends he knows you don’t like when you’re not around, so as to spare you their company. But if he secretly had friends who were just horrible people, you wouldn’t be with him in the first place! Because he would probably be a horrible person, too.

Go to a strip club

Do you know how expensive strip clubs are? Men usually only go to these out of obligation at a bachelor party, and when they know that’s coming, they save up!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not wash their hands after using the toilet

Alright, maybe we caught them on this one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be a total jerk

As mentioned in several other points, no guy can completely hide it if he’s a jerk. If it’s in his nature, you’d see it early in the way he treated service people, or spoke to his mom on the phone, or regarded a homeless person on the street.

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