What You Should Do If His “I Love You” Is Not Enough

July 9, 2014  |  


By Lindsey Ellison, From YourTango 

How many times has he told you he loved you, but then not acted in a way that reflects the true love he continues to profess? This often happens in two scenarios:

  1. You are in love with him and hoping for love in return, but he may not love you back.
  2. You’re in a relationship but are falling out of love with him. Because he “loves” you, you feel guilty and stay in the relationship.

Before I dive deep to explain, the lesson is pretty simple: He’s probably not good enough for YOU. In the first scenario, I hear it from clients all the time: “He says he loves me but then he doesn’t call,” or, “He says he loves me but then he is so inconsistent with how he shows it to me.” If they’re married, they may say, “He says he loves me, but then he’s abusive, or passive aggressive, or condescending.” If you ever have to say, “He says he loves me, but _____ (fill in the blank),” that means that you aren’t getting your needs met. Period. 


I had a very wise friend tell me once, “Just because he loves you, it doesn’t mean that’s how YOU want to be loved.” That was like a smack in the face, my Ah-ha moment, and the first time I realized that I—not him—get to choose how I want to be loved. We spend too much time thinking about how we are loving our partner, and not enough time evaluating the love he gives to us. In the second scenario, my clients may say, “I don’t really love him anymore, but he really loves me, and I feel really bad,” or, “How can I end the relationship when he loves me so much? I don’t want to hurt him.” Again, if he loved you the way you needed to be loved, then you wouldn’t have fallen out of love with him. Just because he loves you doesn’t mean you have to love him back.

Continuing reading about love and relationships at YourTango.com 


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