Social Media brings us closer every day. Unfortunately, that closeness includes exes and haters. On Facebook, these moves are fair game. But if this were real life we’d call the cops
The Passive-Aggressive Poster
Post a selfie, this person writes a status about being self-absorbed. Complain about work, they post a prayer about being grateful to have a job. It’s like having an obnoxious shadow that throws salt on everything you say.
Rummaging Through Your Old Photos
You posted that album in 2013, but he just liked every single photo inside…At 3 a.m.
Friending Your Friends
You barely know them, but they’ve friended three of your cousins and an aunt. Since when did Facebooking your way into someone’s social circle become a socially acceptable move?
The LinkedIn Look In
If he knew that LinkedIn lets you know who looks at your profile, he probably wouldn’t check in on it three times a week.
The Location Lookout
You pop up in the spot, he’s there too. Fast food after drinks? Look who shows up. It took you weeks to find out he was stalking your Twitter feed and now you’re afraid to update anything.
Straight Up Stalking
They check your Facebook page more than their own. How do you know? Click “Activity Log,” then “Include,” and you’ll see just how many times a day their page visits yours before you finally set it all to private.
The Random Friend Request
You don’t know him, he doesn’t know you, and you have zero friends in common. Plus, your page is set to private. How long’s he been creeping on that one profile pic?
The Snap Chat Save
Is there anything more terrifying than seeing “Screenshot!” next to a Snapchat that you know you shouldn’t have been sent?
The Immediate Status Like
You posted it 3 seconds ago and he’s already liked it and commented.
The Accidental Timeline Reference
“Wait. How did you know I went to the beach last weekend?” Late night creeping on your Facebook page, that’s how.
The Note from the Next Ex
Why is his new girlfriend all on your Instagram page liking your photos? And does she know how often you’ve been checking out hers?
The Ex’s New Friend Request
It’s been months since the breakup. What are you supposed to do with this? Let it hang out in friend request limbo? Or let him see how much better you’re doing without him?
The Untimely Unfriend
It’s 2 a.m. on a Tuesday and your ex suddenly pops out of your friends list. How long has he been late-night creeping on your page?
The Random Timeline Posts
If you wouldn’t come up to me and tell me a funny joke in real life, you shouldn’t be posting them to my page. If I want to see an obese woman fall off of a stripper pole, I can look that up myself.
The Ex’s Candy Crush Requests
Can we just dead this now that I’ve deaded you?
